Island of Idiots
by Vilecheese
Summary: Harold thought that being on Total Drama Island would be awesome, but it turns out he's stuck on an island of idiots. A Harold POV fic.
1. Kicking Your Bass

Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama Island, nor Harold.

Author's Notes: I've seen POV fics of both Duncan and Cody, and they're both very well written. So, I decided to raise the total of well-written TDI POV fanfics to three. Naturally I'd have to use Harold, as he's my favorite character.

Even though TDI is a PG series, this fic will be rated T because it reveals Harold's thoughts. These thoughts may be filled with swears, pervertedness, or anything else higher-than-PG rated.

This fic is mostly an experiment to see if I can write a POV fic. Let me know if you think it's good and you want to see more.

* * *

Island of Idiots

Chapter 1: Kicking Your Bass

This was the most exciting day of my life, indeed. When I mailed that video to the TDI execs, I honestly thought I didn't have a chance of getting in. I mean, I sounded like such a dork in that video! All I did was brag about my Possum Scout badges, like anyone is interested in those, and epically failed at playing my synthesizer. I should've shown my figure skating, or my beatboxing, or some other cool stuff I can do! I'm such an idiot!

But somehow, I still made it on. I guess they wanted a total loser on the show and thought I fit the bill. I feel like a total loser right now…But I'll show them! Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V has some wicked skills worthy of game...show…winning. That came out wrong…but still, I'll beat 'em all!

Once again, I had to make sure this was really happening. I looked out the window and watched the waves whiz by. I checked in front of me to make sure I haven't forgotten any of my suitcases or heaven forbid, my synthesizer, and they were all there.

"Harold, you're on!" the guy at the front of the boat called out.

I tucked my synthesizer under my arm and carried my two suitcases. It struck me then that I was really nervous. I had no idea what challenges awaited outside the boat. For all I could know, ten feet in front of me could be a cyborg dragon that shoots electricity out its nostrils, or worse…bullies. I can't stand bullies. They just pick on people like me because they're insecure, but it's a stupid way to eliminate insecurity. Bullies are idiots!

---

I walked out the boat onto an old dock, where I saw Chris MaClean waiting and…a summer camp? Uh…did I just win the lottery or something? I'm a Possum Scout! Summer camp's my kit and caboodle!

"And here's our next contestant; Harold!" Chris announced to the campers that were already there. He seemed kind of freaked out by me…but I was breathing rather creepily. I've got asthma problems, so I breathe funny when I'm nervous and excited.

I looked around the campgrounds one more time, then asked him, "So are you saying that this show is at a crappy summer camp and not on some big stage or something?"

Chris smiled at me, though I'm sure it wasn't a kind smile. More of an evil grin. "You got it!"

"Yes!" I pumped my fist in excitement. "That is so much more favorable to my skills!" Now that I knew what I was doing, I decided to check out my opposition. Let's see…there was a huge black dude, a goth girl, a…cowboy wearing pink? A nerdy girl, nice…Wow, that blonde chick is really hot. She has big boobies. Uh, there's also another hot chick with black hair and sunglasses, and a weirdo hiding in the pile of suitcases. But none of those got my attention as much as the last guy.

A punk. No seriously, they actually got one of the most idiotic-looking punks I've ever seen! He had a stupid green mohawk, way too many piercings, a frickin' SKULL on his shirt, and he had this look on his face that quite clearly said, "I'm trying to look as tough as possible but failing miserably". Gosh, I HATE guys like that! Posers who do nothing but break rules for the hell of it and torture anyone they can. They make me sick.

"Contestant number nine is Trent!" Chris announced as a giant-headed guy showed up. Wow, is that host stupid. He's contestant number ten, you idiot!

"Hey, good to meet you man," Trent greeted. "I saw you on that figure-skating show. Nice work." Wow, he watches Skating with the Stars too? I love that show!"

"Thanks, man!" Chris replied. "I knew I rocked that show!"

"I saw that!" The nerdy girl ran up to the two and I followed, wanting to meet these fellow Skating with the Stars fans. "One of the guys dropped his partner on her head, so they got immunity that week." I remember that; I busted a gut.

"Lucky! I hope I get dropped on my head."

"Me too!" said a saccharine-loaded voice behind me. I turned around and saw it was the hot girl with the big boobies. Yeah, I like big boobies a little too much. Sorry.

Next up was another blonde girl, named Bridgette. She was wearing a blue hoodie, sandals, and was carrying a surfboard around. The pink cowboy guy seemed to be fascinated in her for some reason. **SWISH!** I ducked as Bridgette swung her surfboard right at my HEAD. Gosh, couldn't she pay attention to where her surfboard's going?

"Dang! Watch where you're swinging that thing!" I said, but soon enough, **SWISH!** Again, I had to duck! Idiot!

"Is this where we're staying?" asked a monotonous voice. A short Indian boy named Noah walked to us, looking as if he couldn't care less about us, this game, or really anything. Weird.

That idiot punk I mentioned earlier smirked and cracked his knuckles. "No, this is your mother's house and we're throwing a party." Great comeback. Which one of the six-year-old kids you beat up taught you that one?

Noah, to my immense surprise, walked right in front of the punk without changing his expression in the slightest. Dang, that kid's got balls. "Nice piercings, Mr. Original. Do them yourself?" Double dang, little Noah just COUNTERSTRUCK a PUNK. I like him already.

The punk took Noah by the lip and held an earring over the exposed flesh. "Sure, ya want one?"

"Uh, no thankff. Can I haff my lip back pleaff?" My mouth was agape. Even the punk seemed surprised, and he let go of Noah's lip. "Thanks."

That…was…AWESOME. I couldn't help but ask this Noah guy some questions. Or least I would've, had it not been for the next contestant of the show.

She was big. She was black. She was pretty. She strutted down the dock like she knew exactly what she was doing. I thought girls like that only existed on TV.

"Whassup y'all? LeShawna's in da house!"

I gasped.

"Y'all might as well save yourselves the trouble, 'cause I came to win!"

Wow. She was so confident. So tough. So bootylicious. I couldn't help but say something to her…anything! I wasn't really thinking at this point, so I said the first thing that popped into my head.

"I've never met a girl like you in real life before."

She looked at me like I was crazy, or some cyberkinetic ten-headed xenomorph with plasma for tongues. "Excuse me?"

"You're real big…and loud." I am such an IDIOT. Why the hell did I call her big and loud?! Who likes being called big and loud?! I know my sister doesn't.

"Oh no you didn't!" LeShawna was about to attack me! Talk about a bad first impression. Anyway, my self-defense training kicked in at that point. I went into some martial arts poses, waiting to counterstrike when she hit me. It never happened. I sighed in relief as three of the contestants held her back, though seeing her face filled with rage didn't make me feel any better.

As we went back to our spots on the dock, LeShawna angrily glared at me one more time. I couldn't bear her having such a negative opinion on me. So I smiled. Smiles are worth a thousand words, and mine said quite clearly, "I don't hate you, and I didn't try to insult you." I hoped she caught the message.

After that was cacophony. There were these two girls that dressed alike and squealed a LOT. I couldn't even figure out which one was Katie and which one was Sadie. I just hoped that they wouldn't be on my team.

"Ezekiel, what's up, man?"

The next guy to show up…wore a really awesome hat. Man, I seriously wanted one myself. Other than that, he seemed really shy. "I think I see a bird."

…Was this guy for real?

"Okay, look, man, I know you don't get out much. Been home schooled your whole life, been raised by freaky prairie people, just be careful and try not to be the first one kicked off, 'kay?"

"Yes sir." Wow, a homeschooled kid. Poor guy probably never met another teenager in his entire life. No wonder he's so nervous.

After flunking with LeShawna, I decided that I should be in good terms with somebody. Looks like Ezekiel's going to be that somebody.

"Hi," I greeted, holding out a hand. "I'm Harold."

Ezekiel looked surprised, which I expected. I'm probably the first person who's ever done this to him. "Uh…hi, Harold. I'm Ezekiel, eh." He nervously took my hand and shook it. He was a limp fish, and a rather sweaty one, too.

"Nervous?" I asked.

The way he nodded his head looked more like a shiver. It was funny how the bobble on his hat went crazy when he did. What's that kind of hat called again? Looks like a winter hat, without the ear flap thingies. "Uh, are you?"

"Am I nervous?" I repeated. "No way! This is an adventure, and I never refuse the call to adventure!"

Ezekiel chuckled. "You seem excited aboot this, Harold. I'm so nervous…I wonder what the furst threshold will be, eh?"

…He knows the Hero's Journey? I guess that's the stuff you learn at homeschool. Maybe he knows some martial arts, too. I was about to continue when I saw a kid who looked even scrawnier than me named Cody approach LeShawna.

Poor boy didn't stand a chance. The bootylicious babe pressed a finger to his lips before he could talk and said, "Save it, short stuff." Jeez, that was smooth…

I turned back to Ezekiel, but he seemed petrified out of fear for some reason. And that reason was a pretty damn good one, too.

A…female bodybuilder? A transsexual? I really don't know. Whoever she was (she has big boobs, so I assume it's a she) dropped her bag on Cody's foot. It made a painful clanging sound. Both Ezekiel and I winced as the scrawny boy hopped around, grabbing his foot in pain.

"Ow! What's in there, dumbbells?!"

"Yes." So she was a bodybuilder, apparently.

That idiot punk then added, "She's all yours, man," to the big black guy. Really? I would've expected you to say that you're tough enough to handle her, Mr. Big Shot.

"CHRIS MACLEAN!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!!" The fattest kid I've ever seen in my life bounded onto the dock and grabbed Chris in a big bear hug. It looked completely ridiculous, and I'm not ashamed to say I laughed.

"What's so funny, eh?" Ezekiel asked. He seemed to still be petrified by Eva.

I pointed over to the new camper. "Ezekiel, look at that! Chris is getting pwned by a fat kid hugging him!"

"…The fat kid owns Chris? I thought slavery was illegal, eh." Of course, he doesn't know internet speak. I really should've thought that through…but I was too busy laughing!

Next up was a tan girl with a nice, tight butt named Courtney. I was staring at first, but that didn't last long. "Hi, you must all be the other contestants. It's really nice to meet you all." Yeah, where do I begin? First of all, her voice LITERALLY sounds like nails on a chalkboard. I'm not even kidding. I know my voice is all annoying and wheezy, but seriously…Then she says that she's happy to meet us, but she says it in a way that I can tell she doesn't mean it. Plus, the way she just referred to us as "all the other contestants"…It's like she thinks we're a different SPECIES or something. I'm really getting a bad vibe from this girl.

Then my thoughts were interrupted when this music just came out of nowhere. It makes no sense, but I swear, there was no speaker or boombox on or anything. It was like the sound was coming from this really handsome-looking guy on a boat headed our way. Then all the girls swooned. Yes, all of them, even LeShawna and Courtney. Even the fat BOY, Owen, was swooning. Ugh, I hate it when people only care about others' looks. …Okay, that made me sound like a hypocrite, but seriously I care about stuff other than looks. I wouldn't marry a girl with a terrible personality, no matter how hot she was (coughCourtneycough). I'd just stare at her, that's all.

Okay, now I think I'm going to vomit. Owen's flirting with the guy, who's apparently named Justin. It's not because I'm a homophobe or anything, it just that…ugh, it looks so unnatural. A fat guy hitting on a handsome guy? I think I'll watch Zombie Brain Munchers instead.

"I wonder what those girls see in 'im, eh." Ezekiel whispered to me.

"Huh?"

"My parents warned me aboot guys like him," he continued. "They toold me that the better the looks and the neater the hair, the smaller the brain within, eh. They also toold me that girls tend to like guys for what's inside, unless they're really stupid. Are all the girls here stupid?"

Uh oh. That's NOT a good thing to say to anyone else in camp. "No, I don't think so," I answered quickly. "Maybe that Justin has both looks and brains. It's possible, right?"

Ezekiel shrugged. "Dunno. I haven't met anyone like him before. I haven't met anyone like anyone before." He chuckled, and I joined him.

**BONK!** A…female leprechaun just crashed on the Dock of Shame? Okay…

"You guys, she could be seriously hurt!" Courtney headed to the end of the dock and helped the new girl, Izzy, onto it. She then shook of the water like a dog…okay, what?

"That felt so…good! Especially the part where I hit my chin!" She's a masochist? "Is this summer camp? Do you have papier mache here? Are we eating lunch soon?" Gosh, I'm not sure if I could talk that fast if I tried.

"That is a GOOD CALL!" Owen added, because he's fat. Stereotypes bug me.

Okay, she's the last one. Good. My legs were getting sore from standing on that hard dock for so long. Now all we have to do is take a picture.

"Taller kids on the back!" Chris announced. "Shorter kids in front. You know how it goes!" Turns out I was tall enough to end up on the back row. I was standing next to the pink cowboy and…the suitcase kid. What the hell is he doing? He's standing on one of the posts and leaning on Owen's shoulder. Nice way to fall in the water, idiot. Oh, and look, the punk's doing it too. They're both idiots.

Chris put his eye in the camera, cuing us to pose. "Okay, on the count of three. One, two…"

I tried to smile, but gosh were my lips dry! It looked and felt awful to smile, so I put on a neutral expression.

"Whoops! Forgot the lens cap!" Idiot. He removed the lens cap, then… "Oh wait, cart's full!"

"C'mon, man," LeShawna growled through a frozen smile, "my face is startin' to freeze!" Yeah, LeShawna's right. Get on with the stupid picture already. Gosh!

"On the count of three, say Wawanakwa! One, two, three!"

"Wawanakwa!" FINALLY. **CRASH!** Augh! The dock collapsed! I was underwater, and that stupid Owen stepped on my face to stay afloat! I hate being stepped on!

---

We got some towels from the interns, then we headed to this place where we sat on tree stumps. Wait, no, scratch that. There were only enough stumps for half of us, so naturally I was standing. I saw that punk noogieing a deer…doesn't he have anything better to do? I tried to talk to Ezekiel, but Chris started discussing the rules of the game so I had to listen.

Blah blah, two teams, challenges, voting out someone on your team, blah blah blah. What is this, Survivor for kids? Then he said that the grand prize was 100K. That seems kinda low. I mean, I don't think I've seen a reality show like this fork out anything under 250. This show must have a crappy budget. That explains the run-down summer camp.

Then Chris started choosing the teams. I perked up my ears, waiting for him to pick me. Ten names passed, and finally, he said…

"And Noah!"

Looks like that's one team. They're the Screaming Gophers, and they have the fat kid Owen, Noah as I just said, LeShawna, the hot girl, and the nerd girl. Great. I looked around, and once again saw the punk noogieing a deer. This was going to be a loooooong 8 weeks. Well, at least Ezekiel's on my team. It can't be THAT bad, can it?

Well, there's another sign that the show hates me. My name was called LAST. LAST! What, did they have to rub it in my face that no one wants me on their football or dodgeball team?

I hurried over to the rest of my new team and Chris passed me a banner. "You shall be known as…" The banner unfurled, and I…wow.

I will not lie. That banner KICKED ASS. It was red, my favorite color, and it had this frigging awesome fish on it. It looked like it was about to tear that green gopher on the other team's banner to smithereens. I smiled as I saw that upside-down fish glare at me. It looked kinda like the bass I caught in the Possum Scouts.

"…The Killer Bass!" More like the Kickass Bass in my opinion.

"That's awesome," I wheezed. "It's like, amazing!"

Then Chris talked about some more rules, then he had us line up to what had to be the stinkiest, dirtiest, most unkempt outhouse in existence. If Lord Tpdwmalk of the Sludgians took a dump in there, it would've been an improvement. He said that this was the Confession Can, and we could share all our secrets to the audience in there. He did one himself, then urged us to do one each. I'm not really much of a secret-keeping guy, but if everyone else is doing it…

**BZZZT!**

Hmmm…it's actually not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, there were flies up the wazoo, but the smell was actually tolerable. It was like…uh…limburger cheese if it actually smelled good. That made no sense, did it? Let's just say it's one of those things you have to see (or smell) for yourself in order to get.

"Hey Canada!" I greeted, trying as hard as I could to not sound like the loser of the eon. "I'm Harold, and I think I've got what it takes to win this! You see this body?" I flexed my stick-like arms and puffed out my bony chest. "This body lies. I've got a plethora of wicked skills just waiting to be unleashed, and unleashed they shall be! No one will see it coming when I win challenges left and right! They'll all put their guard down, think 'Oh look, it's a loser nerd who can't do anything', well I'll show them. I'll show them all, by winning Total Drama Island!"

**BZZZT!**

I walked out of the outhouse with pride and gave a wink to the next camper in line; the goth girl, Gwen. She scowled at me. Figures.

Chris said that not all the confessions would actually be aired due to time constraints. I was certain mine wouldn't be shown. Figures.

The punk was named Duncan, and he seemed just as slimy as I imagined him. When I walked past him in line, he smirked at me the most venomous smirk you could imagine and cracked his knuckles. I bet he thinks I'm his personal punching bag mail ordered for the next 8 weeks. I'll show him. I'll show everyone.

---

Ah, home sweet home for the next 8 weeks. And it sucks. It had bunk beds…BUNK BEDS. Oh well, at least a bottom bunk was open. I claimed one of them and started unpacking. I made sure my red ant farm made the journey safely, God bless them, then placed them on the counter beside the bed.

"Hey Harold." Ezekiel leapt up to the top bunk. He jumped higher than I thought he could. "Do ya mind if I sleep in the top bunk aboove ya, eh?"

"Why would you want a top bunk?" I asked.

His awesome hat (c'mon, the name of that hat is on the tip of my tongue…) peeked from above me. "Because I've never been in a top bunk befoor. It might be fun, eh."

"Only child?"

"Ayup." He reached down and placed a few pictures around my red ant farm. They seemed to all be of him surrounded by his two parents in front of a small farm, with a tiny cottage, a single barn, a silo, and a little windmill. They were all like "American Gothic" with a small boy wearing an awesome hat added in.

"Lucky! I wish I was an only child."

"I wish I had a brother, eh."

I chuckled. "Wanna borrow mine? He likes giving swirlies to anyone smaller than him and can't spell 'pterodactyl'."

"What's a swirly, eh?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" WHOA! I never heard a scream that loud in my entire life! Before I knew it, I rushed over to the Screaming Gopher cabin to see what was going on.

It was the big boobies chick, Lindsay. She was on a stool, shaking like a leaf and shielding herself from…something invisible?

"Kill it! Kill it!" She pointed to the floor, and I finally found what was scaring her; a cockroach. It was kind of cute, actually.

"EEEEAH!" The big black guy DJ screamed like a girl (WTF?) and jumped into the nearest bed, splintering it clean in half.

Goth girl Gwen sighed. "That…was my bed."

After that was pandemonium. Some campers tried to squish the poor thing, while I got a closer look. It looked scared. In fact, I could've sworn it said "Help me!" in a high-pitched voice once. Then that punk Duncan came in and…chopped it in half with an axe. Okay, he gets points for style.

"Ew!" Lindsay shouted. "It was sooo gross!"

"Awesome," I added.

"If you ever see one of those again, just let me know, okay?" That was the suitcase guy, Tyler. "'Cause, ya know…I can do that too." Lindsay gave him googly eyes, which he returned. Jock and cheerleader love. Starts immediately, ends immediately after.

"They always go for the jocks," Duncan muttered.

---

"Dinner is served!" Chris whipped away the tablecloth revealing a banquet of awesomeness. There were burgers, shrimp, salads, Italian, Mexican, sushi, and a whole bunch of other stuff I didn't bother looking at. I took the nearest burger and started slathering it in ketchup.

"Now campers, the game starts tomorrow," the host warned. "This is a one-night only gig. Tomorrow onward you'll be having crappy camp food! Enjoy!" Wow, he really knows how to ruin a moment. Still, the burger was tasty.

The pink cowboy, Geoff, sat at the head of the Bass table. So, I guess he thinks he's the leader now? "So dudes, who else is as excited as me 'bout this?!" Okay, maybe not.

The fat girl that was either named Katie or Sadie responded with a sob. "I miss Katie!" She's Sadie, apparently.

"C'mon, cheer up dudette!" Geoff told her. "At least ya got us!" This didn't seem to make her feel any better.

Duncan took a big bite in his pizza slice, then responded with his mouth full. "This place is fine by me, as long as I'm away from juvie." Juvie, yeah right. Keep dreaming you poser.

But apparently Geoff believed him. "Dude…what's juvie like, anyway?"

Duncan scoffed. "Like jail, except half the kids' balls haven't dropped yet." Sexual references make you cool! It's been scientifically proven by this idiot.

"Duncan!" annoying girl Courtney shouted, sounding very much like my mom. "We're eating here!"

"Who said you had to listen, Little Miss Uptight?" Duncan asked. "I was having a 'private' conversation." Okay, that was actually pretty good. Good enough for Duncan and Geoff to fist bump each other. Courtney seemed annoyed and went back to her salad.

After a few minutes of silence, the surfer girl Bridgette spoke up. "Uh, Killer Bass? Since we're a team now, maybe we should learn a little more about each other. Like, our strengths and weaknesses." Good idea!

"I'm Geoff, dudes!" Geoff shouted, taking the opportunity a little too well. "I like to partay and I've got some sweet skateboarding skills!"

"Can you run fast?" Courtney asked. "Are you strong? Are you strategic? Skateboarding is pointless in a game like this!" Haha, after seeing episode 5 this statement becomes five times funnier.

Geoff took off his cowboy hat and scratched his head. "Gee…now that I think about it, I'm really not sure."

"I can play chess pretty well, eh," Ezekiel piped in. "Isn't that strategic?"

Courtney shrugged. "I guess. We'll keep you in mind if we come across a chess challenge. What about you, Bridgette?"

"Well…" She nervously rubbed the back of her head. "Lets just say that the more challenges involving water, the better."

"I can bench 300 pounds," Eva bragged. Gosh, that seems so unnatural. "I'm undoubtedly the strongest one on the island, so just gimme a holler when you need to kick some ass."

"Are ya sure DJ's not stronger?" Geoff asked, holding up the big black kid's arm. "I mean look at these things, man! They look like they could tear trees in half!"

"Uh, sure?" DJ was surprisingly shy for such a muscular dude. He blushed as all the attention was directed at him, and he quietly wriggled his arm free of Geoff's grip.

"You kidding?" Eva growled. "I'm much stronger than that wimp!"

"How about ya prove it?" Geoff asked. "DJ here's gonna challenge ya to an arm-wrestling match!"

DJ looked surprised. "I am?"

"Yup! You'll beat her easy, trust me!"

The arm-wrestling match was actually kind of interesting. At first DJ wasn't really trying and Eva seemed to be giving it her all to make him move, but he suddenly went mad on us and put on the pressure, which Eva somehow matched. It must've been a stalemate like that for three minutes. Then Izzy randomly jumped on their arms and did the can-can, and they stopped in their surprise.

"Hey guys! I know OVER NINE-THOUSAAAAAAND ancient tribal dances, such as the can-can!" She's the last person I would've expected to hear an internet meme from.

"The can-can isn't a tribal dance," I pointed out. "Gosh!"

"Yeah it is!" she retorted. "You just aren't believing hard enough!" Uh…what?

Then the sharing continued. Sadie blubbered about how Katie wasn't on the team because she can sew really nice clothes. Courtney bragged about her leadership skills (she mentioned that she was a counselor in training THREE TIMES). All Duncan would say is that he could carve pictures of skulls in trees. Tyler bragged that he was a master of every sport, but DJ, Geoff, and Duncan laughed at that. Finally, I mentioned that I had wicked skills, but no one seemed to believe me except Ezekiel (figures).

"Alright, I think I've got it." Courtney finished writing down some notes. Wait, she was writing NOTES on us? Who the heck does THAT? "It looks like Duncan, Geoff, Eva, and DJ will supply the muscle for our team, while Ezekiel, Bridgette, and I will be the strategists. Sadie can use her feminine charm to help with aesthetic challenges. Izzy could probably make the other team quit by being crazy. Harold and Tyler will be the scapegoats."

"Hey!" I really couldn't believe it. It was one thing to not believe that I had wicked skills, but Courtney thought I was WORTHLESS? Now that's just plain prejudiced!

**BZZZT!**

I was back in the outhouse. I didn't think I needed it so soon, but really!

"I hate Courtney," I revealed to the globe. "She thinks I'm worthless just because I'm thin, scrawny, and have a raspy voice. Then she goes on and on about her leadership skills! If she were a true leader, she'd trust the judgment of all the people she leads, including me! What a hypocrite! GOSH!"

**BZZZT!**

The sun set, the plates were licked clean, and everyone headed back to the cabins to retire. Well actually, Duncan and Izzy were still hanging outside, but I didn't really care what they were doing. It was a big day for me, and I was ready to hit the hay. I brushed my teeth, flossed, cleaned my glasses, changed into my favorite Cowboys and Indians pajamas, checked my ant farm, and snuggled into the covers. They weren't bad for a run down camp, actually. They were a little scratchy, but very warm and cozy. They felt like the coarse, battle-scarred hands of a warrior father who loved you, despite how many people he murdered.

"Alright people!" Courtney announced, her hand next to the light switch. "I think we're all ready for bed. When I turn off this light, I expect everyone to stay quiet so we can sleep. Tomorrow's the first challenge and I don't want to lose just because we stayed up all night. Got it, Killer Bass?"

Assorted muttering consented with her opinion.

"Good night, everyone." **Click.**

…

…

…

"Pssst. Harold?" Dang, Ezekiel could whisper quietly.

"Yeah?" I asked as softly as I could.

"I've never had a friend befoor, eh. Thanks."

"You're welcome."

"SHUSH!" Courtney hissed.

And that was the end of my first day on Total Drama Island.

* * *

Author's Notes: I bet anything that some of the quotes are wrong, but cut me some slack. I don't have a photographic memory!


	2. The Day I Became Sterile

Disclaimer: I don't own TDI, Harold, or references.

Author's Notes: Wow, I've got three positive reviews already?! I expected at least one person saying "Hey, Harold sucks!" and "Hey, don't insult Duncan and Courtney!", but I'm glad the people here are willing to read about different things. I'm getting more motivated to finish this story, even.

Here's the next chapter, which contains the first challenge, more Ezekiel friendship, more Courtney bashing, and a few surprises...

* * *

Island of Idiots

Chapter 2: The Day I Became Sterile

_**"GOOD MORNING CAMPERS!!!!!"**_ **BONK! **I hit my head on the bed above me from the jolt. Maybe Ezekiel had a point.

"What time is it?" Bridgette's voice groggily asked. I moved Ezekiel's pictures and my red ant farm over to check my digital clock for the time. It was 5:00 AM. That's FIVE O'CLOCK!

"Way too f%cking early," Eva's voice growled.

"Just five more minutes, mama…" DJ's voice muttered.

_**"WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST REAL DAY ON TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND-ND-ND!!!!!"**_ It's as if Chris decided that the speaker wasn't annoying enough, and decided to make it echo to drill his words in our precious skulls even further. _**"I WANT ALL OF YOU IN THE MESS HALL IN FIVE MINUTES FOR BREAKFAST! ANYONE THAT'S LATE WILL RECEIVE A PENALTY FOR THE FIRST CHALLENGE-NGE-NGE-NGE!!!"**_

That got our attention. It was a flurry of flying pajamas as we hurriedly dressed and ran out the cabin. I could see the Screaming Gophers exit at about the same time. Ezekiel was already waiting for us at the Mess Hall entrance, as well as the Gopher nerd girl, Beth.

"Geez, you're up bright and early," I greeted.

"I woke up at 4:30 like I normally do," Ezekiel greeted back. "That's when we clean the barn of pee n' poop, eh."

I chuckled. "Thanks for telling me that right before breakfast."

"You're welcome." He chuckled too.

We entered the Mess Hall, and…whoowhee. Instead of the awesome smells of delicately-crafted cuisine present in the air last night, it smelled more like…uh…I'm not sure if I ever smelled something like this. But whatever it was, it was bad. I'll just call it "bad smell".

Over at the kitchen cooking the food was probably the scariest chef I had ever seen. He looked like he came out of a boot camp or something. The scariest part was that, despite the small dainty chef hat and apron he was wearing, he was STILL intimidating.

"Listen up ya maggots!" he roared. Yup, definitely boot camp. "I serve it three times a day, and YOU'LL EAT IT THREE TIMES A DAY!!! So grab your plates, get your food, and sit your butts down NOW!"

There's a huge problem with what he said. If you recall, in his last sentence he told us to "get your food". He never gave us food. He gave us each a pile of red sludge that seemed semi-comatose.

"Excuse me," Beth called out, "But will we be getting all the major food groups?"

"Yeah," I added, "Because I get hypoglycemic real bad if I don't get enough sugar."

"YOU'LL BE GETTIN' A LOAD OF SHUT THE HECK UP!!!!!" **Plop!** Red glop.

I sat next to Ezekiel (what a surprise) and stared at the red thing on my tray as it wobbled like jello on speed. I swear it was jiggling LONG after I stopped moving it. That's just unnatural.

I turned to Ezekiel, who was looking at his food in a similar way to me, and asked "Ezekiel? Do you have any idea what this stuff is?"

He shrugged. "Beats me. It looks kinda like the stuff I feed the pigs, eh. If it sat in the sun fur 12 years. Heheheh!"

Oh yeah, there's something I forgot to mention about Ezekiel. He absolutely loves jokes. Tell him anything, and I mean anything, and he'll laugh. I wish more people had this sense of humor; then everyone would be happier more often.

Of course, then Chris had to come in to ruin my mood. He stood at the doorway of the Mess Hall, looking so smug it made me sick. It's like his presence was saying "Yep, I'm the reason why you're in a crappy, run-down summer camp eating rotten pig food. You can thank me later." Ugh.

"Your first challenge begins…in one hour!" Then he left, thank Lord Beeblebrox.

"What do you think he'll make us do?" the girl that was either Katie or Sadie asked.

DJ, who was next in line for food, answered "It's our first challenge. How hard could it be?"

Then Chris came back, AGAIN. I felt like whipping out my nunchuks and whacking his stupid face ten times a second. "Oh, by the way, it takes 59 minutes to walk to the challenge. Let's go, people!" Gosh, what an asshole.

---

At this point, I was utterly convinced that Chris was a sadistic bastard. He woke us up at 5 in the morning, gave us all of three minutes to eat slop, and now he's making us trek a friggin' MOUNTAIN. And all of this is BEFORE the challenge. I tried to keep my mind off both the prejudice and my aching legs by talking to Ezekiel, but it wasn't working.

"Friggin' IDIOT!" I roared. "Why does he insist on torturing us so?"

"Why do you think?" I turned around, and it was the awesome Indian kid, Noah. "It's quite obvious that our host here has had a traumatic childhood filled with pain and anguish. He's been bullied for sixteen straight years, lost a mother to divorce, addled with drugs for a few years, then got his act together by getting some plastic surgery and hosting a variety of reality shows, in which he tortures the contestants because he feels they are the manifestations of all the negative influences in his life."

…

Ezekiel and I had our jaws to the floor. "But…but…how-"

"It's all clearly written on his botoxed face," Noah replied, examining his fingernails.

"…You should be a psychiatrist, eh."

"Not my area of interest." I then remembered about how he pwned Duncan the moment he arrived.

"Hey Noah? Remember when you stood up to Duncan on the first day?"

"Of course," he replied, a little ruder than he should have.

"How did you do that?"

Noah didn't even look up from his fingernails when he responded with an answer I wasn't expecting. "When you're the youngest of nine children, you find yourself in those kinds of situations more often than you eat." Wow, this guy is awesome. If I had eight brothers and sisters like the ones I have now, I probably would've killed myself.

---

The remainder of our climb was mostly boring. I talked to Ezekiel, obviously, but we ran out of things to say two-thirds the way up. I pointed to Duncan and Courtney and told him my opinions on people like them, and he seemed to agree. Then I told him about my experiences with the Possum Scouts (he said that's pretty much his daily life already), and my hobbies of figure skating and beatboxing. I did a little for him, and he tried to imitate me. He was terrible! But we both laughed about it, so it was all good. After that we just walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And walked. And wal…wait, we're here.

For the first time that day, I felt glad that I woke up so early. From the top of the mountain, one could see the entire island, from the sprawling forest behind us, to the deep blue lake below us, to all the cabins, the campfire, and the Dock of Shame at our right. Behind the forest was one of the most awesome sunrises I've ever seen. It turned the sky a brilliant orange color and made the lake seem even bluer than it actually is.

"Wow, what a beautiful sunrise," I breathed. Once again, I turned to my buddy Ezekiel. "Do you see sunrises like this every day?"

He shook his head, and his awesome…hoodie? Uh…it's definitely not a porkpie, or a fez, or a top hat. What is it? Anyway, it bounced around as he said, "Kinda, eh. We're a hundred miles from civilization right now, so this soonrise isn't affected by pollution. This is the soonrise the dinosaurs saw, eh."

"I wish I was a dinosaur…"

Guess what happened next? If you guessed "Chris ruined the moment" then you win the grand prize!

"Welcome to your first challenge, campers!" he greeted. "Today, you're going to jump 1000 feet into the lake!" He can't be serious. He CAN'T be SERIOUS. No way! No freaking way! That's like, suicide!

DJ was at the edge of the cliff, peering into the water. "Oh sh*t!" My sentiments exactly.

So Chris explained the challenge. There was this itty-bitty circle that we had to land in (When I squinted, I could just barely see it). If we don't land in it, we get eaten by freshwater sharks (must be bull sharks). We could also refuse to jump, but then we'd have to wear these hats shaped like chickens all day, plus you'd lose a point for your team. And this is just the FIRST challenge. What was next, surviving an alien invasion?!

Our team was the first to go, and Bridgette headed to the cliff first. "So, which one of you wants to go first?" I think I heard a cricket chirping. Must've been mourning the death of that cockroach.

"Hey, don't sweat it guys," Owen told everybody. "I hear these shows always make the interns do the stunts first to make sure they're survivable!" Great, now I've got this gruesome mental image of human skeletons bobbing in the lake.

"Fine, I'll go." Bridgette seemed like a good choice to start, since she has the most water experience of all of us. She gave herself a little mental preparation, bent her knees and few times, and jumped! **SPLASH!** Okay, good. That didn't sound like sharks eating her flesh. The rest of us looked down the cliff…and she surfaced in the safe zone, smiling and waving at us.

This challenge was entirely possible.

Tyler then acted like a frickin' idiot and gave himself too much of a running start. **CLANG!** Ooh, that had to hurt! Fortunately, he slid off the buoy and into the safe zone. Darwinism will just have to wait for that guy.

**SPLASH! **Geoff made it! **SPLASH! **Eva's safe!** SPLASH!** Hope you drown, Duncan.

Next up was the painfully shy DJ. Despite his large, jockish looks he didn't back up for a running start. He just stood there, looking down at the water so far far away. "Uh uh, no way man. I'm not jumpin'." Hm. I was expecting everyone to follow Bridgette's lead and jump. Poor guy.

"Scared of heights?" Chris asked, trying as hard as he could to sound sympathetic (and failing miserably).

"Yeah, ever since I was a kid."

"Aw, that's okay, big guy…but unfortunately, that makes you a chicken!" Chris placed the hat on him. Haha, it looked completely ridiculous! I heard Ezekiel chuckle beside me. He probably knows a lot about chickens. Are they as silly and stupid as they're made out to be in pop culture?

"And that means the chicken way down is thattaway!" DJ walked off dejectedly and…OKAY, WHAT THE HELL?!!!!! THERE WAS A FRICKIN' ESCALATOR THE WHOLE TIME?!!!!! I could've saved my legs!

After DJ's fold, it took a little while before someone else volunteered. I guess the morale of the team dropped a bit. But fortunately, Ezekiel was here to bring them back up. "Eh guys, I'll go!"

"Go ahead," I urged. And go he did. I watched as he tucked into a cannonball (probably the only dive he knows) and yelled in excitement as he plummeted to the water. Wow, the guy was really enjoying this. It's amazing how being so sheltered all your life can make you so open for new-OUCH! He hit the side of the cliff! He dropped into the drink like a stone. I placed my fingers in my mouth in worry as I peered down the cliff.

He surfaced and flashed me a thumbs-up. Phew!

Alright, now it's my turn. I decided to wow my team by doing a midair split. Remember when Courtney said that I was useless, yet I told her I had wicked skills? Well, she better be seeing this! How many people can do a split? Huh, Miss CIT? HUH?!!! I don't see you doing a split! You couldn't-

"_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**_ AUUUUUGHHHHH!" Pain. Pain. PAIN. PAIN! PAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNN!!!!! GOSH, I can't believe I did something so stupid! I should've stopped doing the splits before I hit the water, but now...Geez! I just fell on my package from 1000 feet! I'm probably sterile now!

I was in so much pain, I pretty much blanked out for a few minutes. The next thing I knew I was laying on something lumpy with a few seashells and a crab on my back. My eyes were full of sand, so I couldn't see. All I could hear was…giggling? I furiously wiped my eyes clean, but I still couldn't see. My glasses were missing! I'm completely blind without my glasses! I might as well tell you know that I'm a regular male Velma Dinkley.

"Oh my gosh, look at that!" Wait, who was that?

"He looked like he was going to kiss me!" Who kissed who? I slid off the lumpy thing and onto the beach…when did I get on the beach? Fortunately, my glasses were right next to the lumpy thing (it's a good thing I get green prescription lenses. They were easy to see next to the yellow-white of the sand). I put them on, and things got a little clearer. The lump I was on was…uh…either Katie or Sadie. The fat one. And she was giggling madly, with the skinny one standing next to her and giggling too. Wait, I was atop a girl?

"I think he likes you," the thin one said, and the two continued to giggle.

"Who likes who?" I asked. More giggling.

"Eh, Harold!" Ezekiel ran over to me, thank goodness. "Are you alright?"

Well, my privates were still hurting like hell, but other than that I felt fine. No headaches, no fevers, no concussions, no broken bones (just a broken boner).

"Hi toque boy," the fat one greeted. That's it! The hat's called a toque! "Did you see him snuggle me?" Wait, what?

"You mean Harold?" he asked.

Before I could make heads or tails of this conversation, none other than Chris had to interrupt, AGAIN. "And the winners of the cliff dive are…the Screaming Gophers!" The Gophers cheered, while Owen (who was naked…ugh, why is he naked? That's disgusting!) danced a funky dance. Great, we lost to a naked guy. "But now's not the time to celebrate, for immunity is still at stake! Now you must push your crates back to the campgrounds and build your hot tubs! The team with the best hot tub wins immunity AND gets to keep their tub for the rest of the summer!"

Meh. Hot tubs aren't really my thing. I have this nasty habit of losing consciousness in hot tubs, and I for one don't want to be fainting randomly when Katie and Sadie are going to make such a big deal out of it each time…wait. Why is the thin twin following us? And why is Izzy with the Gophers? I asked these questions to Ezekiel as I started pushing a crate to camp.

"Oh yeah, you were still outta it doorin' that," he replied. "Katie 'n Sadie pleaded with Chris to be on the same team, eh, and he finally obliged. Katie's now on our team and Izzy's on the other, eh." Great, now I have to work with both the squealing girls.

---

The journey to camp was long, arduous, and extremely boring. Ezekiel and I kept getting tired, so we kept switching crates. Frankly, that didn't help at all. Meanwhile the twins were chatting and giggling while pushing the same crate, Eva was carrying hers like it was filled with helium, and DJ was actually carrying two crates, but he looked fatigued. Duncan was kicking his crate. Yeah, that's a great way to break the hot tub pieces so we'll lose, idiot. Finally, I noticed that Courtney was pushing a crate too. And she was wearing a chicken hat. She didn't jump. In fact, she probably cost us the challenge. Then to drive the point home even further, she started complaining.

"Ow! I think I just got a splinter!" Oh no, not a splinter! You poor thing! That's so much more serious than a trivial injury such as a crushed dick!

"Shut it, and pick up your crate!" Eva got into her face, picked up her crate, then slammed it in front of her. I'm glad someone's bossing her around for a change. "Chicken."

"Hey! I'm the only one with CIT camping experience here! You need me!" There she goes again with those three blasted letters! You know, the thing about this statement that makes me really mad is that she instantly assumed that she was the only one on the team that knew how to camp. Uh, hello? I'm a frickin' POSSUM SCOUT! What do you think Possum Scouts do, sit in our basements and play Halo all day?

"Listen to her," I whispered to Ezekiel. "She says she's the only one on the team that can camp. Load of baloney."

"Well technically, she did say she was a counselor, eh," my friend corrected. "What she's sayin' is that she can lead, not that she can camp, eh."

"She said 'camping experience," I growled. "Plus, what kind of leader refuses to do challenges? That's like, communism or something!"

"Hehe, Chairman Courtney," Ezekiel joked.

---

"Ugh, I've gotta take a whiz." Tyler placed his box down and headed to the nearest tree. I wouldn't be surprised if I never had to whiz again.

I guess that activated the twins' bladders. "Ooh, I have to go too!"

"You do? Oh my gosh, me too!" They pranced behind a bush, giggling as usual. Sigh…as if we weren't behind enough.

"Ow!" Courtney clasped her eye and pointed at it. "I think something just bit me!" You mean your karma?

Bridgette went over and examined it, saying that she has experience with handling injuries. "Looks like a bug bite. You're going to have to wait for the interns back at camp to give you some lotion for that." Sounds like karma to me.

---

After what seemed like an eternity Tyler, Katie, and Sadie were done with their potty breaks. Geez, I'm sure that even girls don't take that long to go. They were probably just talking most of the time.

And we were off! And in thirty seconds, something ELSE went wrong!

"Okay, I HAVE to scratch!" The twins were now furiously scratching their red butts, which were highly visible due to their incredibly short shorts…Okay, I'll admit that that was kinda hot. Apparently Chris thought so too, because he randomly drove by us in an ATV.

"You guys are way behind the other team. Like, way behind! What's the problem?" You mean besides the fact that you are incredibly redundant?

"Their butts are itchy." That was Courtney, and…ew. Her eye's all swollen now.

"Oh my boxers that's bad!" What's bad, the itchy butts or the swollen eye? Personally, I liked both.

Then Bridgette approached the twins and deducted that they went to the bathroom on poison ivy. Idiots!

"No way!" Chris laughed. "That's awesome!"

The twins were now whining at each other while they scooted their butts on the beach. I expected Ezekiel to laugh, but he looked pretty serious. I guess he felt sorry for the girls…and maybe I should've as well. I guess my crotch was still hurting too much for me to feel sorry for people.

---

"Finally!" I yelled. We finally, at long friggin' last reached the campgrounds! My legs ached, my arms felt like jello, my package still felt broken, I was tired, I had sweat on my glasses, and I was thirsty, but now that we were back at the campgrounds, I felt a new energy course through my veins. I didn't care that the Gophers were halfway finished with their hot tub. I didn't care that they had more materials, stronger teamwork, and weren't as tired as we were. I felt confident that we would win, because we have spirit, we have drive, and most importantly, we have Harold Norbert Cheever Doris McGrady V!

That I nearly vomited due to fatigue, and I felt hopeless again.

"Hey, what's up guys?" the giant-headed guy, Trent, asked us.

LeShawna then popped out of a box. She looked really sweaty, and the way that shirt of hers clung to her curves…oooooohhhhhh… "Aren't ya missin' a couple'a white girls?" The thin girl's white?

"They're…getting a drink," Courtney lied. I recalled that they were sitting in the water, trying to cool down their itchy butts.

I whispered to Ezekiel, "Yeah, if they drink from their butts."

He chuckled. "Hehe, that's funny!"

Then LeShawna looked horrified as she saw Courtney's bug bite. "Ooh! What happened to yo' eye, girl?" Wow, she's so tough, and yet she cares about everyone around her…Amazing.

"Nothing! Just an allergy!" Courtney's really on a lying streak right now, isn't she?

Ezekiel came in and added, "Think it's gettin' woorse."

"Shut it!" she hissed. C'mon, he was only trying to help!

---

Then Geoff and Courtney started doing some motivational speeches. I fell asleep…Okay, I know you're thinking that I'm some douche who doesn't care about the team, but I'm not, really! I was trying to conserve my strength, actually. I planned to wake up the moment we started actually working on the hot tub. Buuuuut I overslept. A little.

_**"HAROLD!"**_ AUGH, it was right in my EAR! That nails-on-a-chalkboard voice was in my EAR! I woke up instantly to find one furious eye and one swollen eye staring at me. "Stop sleeping on the job and help us!"

"Okay, fine, gosh!" I stood up and held my ear in pain, and I noticed that my teammates were…opening the crates with their teeth. Uhhhhh, why?

"Remember campers!" Chris screamed in his megaphone, "You must open your crates with your teeth!" So that's why; because Chris is an asshole.

I found a lone box with a rope hanging off to the side. I watched as most of my teammates were furiously pulling at their ropes, some with veins popping out their foreheads (gross). There had to be a better way. I examined the box for a few seconds, and I found a few weak spots on the sides. Hmmm…I wonder.

Wood is made of cellulose, right? And cellulose is edible, right?

I decided yes, and started gnawing on the wood. I could almost feel Courtney's one good eye look at my method in disgust, but I knew I was onto something. A few gnaws here, a few gnaws there, and there were these small, thin holes between the sides of the box. I then chomped on the rope, pulled, and…

**CRASH!** Yes! You see that? That's where wicked skills come in handy!

"Ew, Harold!" Courtney yelled. "That's completely gross!"

"But I got the box open, didn't I?"

"But we're going to be TOUCHING that box, and the things inside it!" Her face turned red and her swollen eye turned redder as she stomped towards me. "And now you've got your DISGUSTING SALIVA all over everything!"

"Yeah!" that punk Duncan agreed. "You messed everything up, you dork!"

I couldn't believe how unfair this was! I was the first one to open my box, and all people did was complain about my saliva, which isn't even that disgusting at all! Gosh, what IDIOTS!

At this point, I was so pissed I didn't even want to help build the hot tub, but Duncan threatened to rearrange my face if I didn't. I like my face in the position it's in now, so I agreed.

Fat lot of good that did. Guess what? I got nailed in the crotch AGAIN! I couldn't even tell how it happened because it was so fast! I got hit in the head and the stomach, too!

---

When I woke up again, Courtney was putting the finishing touches to our hot tub. It looked like crap. Seriously, I think we didn't have nails or something, so the rest of the Bass taped it together. It looked ugly. Not to mention the adhesive in the tape probably wasn't waterproof, so the tub would fall apart. Ugh! If only I were conscious, then I could've told them they could use pine needles and sap as nail substitutes!

"Are ya alright, eh?" That was Ezekiel, who was sitting next to me and seemed to be the only one genuinely concerned for my well-being.

"My crotch…" I managed. I had a bit of a headache, too.

"You're amazin', dud! I don't think I could've survived gettin' hit in the famlee jools twice 'n a day, eh."

I would've corrected him when he called me "dud", but I was too tired. Not to mention that it's good to hear a compliment when everyone else is insulting you.

---

Then it was time for Chris to judge the hot tubs. Seriously, I didn't know why we even needed to do this. Ours was clearly the inferior tub.

"This…is an awesome hot tub!" The Gophers cheered, and I felt my stomach sink into a pit somewhere between my small and large intestines.

Chris approached us. Now my stomach was in my colon. He examined our tub a little bit to increase the tension. He tapped one plank of wood and a small jet of water squirted on him. Then the tub fell apart. Told you so.

"Alright, I think we've got a winner here!" You think? "The Screaming Gophers!" I watched as our rivals cheered, giving each other hugs and hi-fives. What I really noticed was how LeShawna let out a loud "Boo-yah!", pumped her fist, and gave the tiny kid Cody a hi-five. She certainly knew how to cheer…Okay, at this point I was wondering why I was staring at LeShawna so much. I know I've never seen a girl like her before, but it's just that…she's so exotic. She's tough, but she's nice, too. She knows hot to be cool, but she also knows how to celebrate and be happy. It seemed kind of alien to me how someone could be both tough and nice at the same time.

"Killer Bass…" Chris stared at us with a disapproving look. Yeah, we really screwed that one up. "What can I say? Sucks to be you right now. I'll see your sorry butts at the bonfire tonight."

I looked amongst our team right now, and in stark contrast to the Gophers, I found ten frowns, filled with self-doubt, pity, and insecurity. We all knew that we had to vote off one of our own tonight, but none of us really imagined that it would be so soon.

---

We still had about ten hours before the bonfire ceremony, so I decided to take a walk in the woods with Ezekiel.

"And then I figured it out!" I recalled. "The box, like all manufactured items, had weak spots. Just like when you're fighting a thug, you have to hit the weak points in order to defeat or destroy something. So I chomped on the sides of the box and pulled, and it opened! My box was the first one opened!"

"That was good thinkin' eh."

"But Courtney sure didn't think so!" I complained. "She told me that I got my saliva all over everything!"

"But you didn't!" he agreed. "You just bit the sides, eh. It's not like you went in the box and licked everythin'."

"Yeah, I know!"

Suddenly a gruff voice shouted "TOQUE BOY!!!" We turned around and saw Chef, waving his ladle in the air like it was a highly lethal weapon (and in his huge arms, it probably was). "C'MERE! I'VE GOT SOMETHIN' FOR YA!"

"I think I shoold go, eh," he said, sounding nervous. I shrugged.

Poor guy. I wonder what Chef had in mind for him. Whatever it was, I probably wasn't allowed to know as he slammed the door to the Mess Hall before I could pursue.

Without Ezekiel next to me, I quickly grew more and more agitated. It felt like I was this isolated voice of reason in a sea of hate. Wait, scratch that. I was a tiny, intelligent pond in an island of idiots. Yeah, that sounds about right.

---

It was then that I found my own personal utopia. There were a bunch of trees that shaded the area from harsh sunlight. Underneath this canopy was a bridge over troubled water. Well actually, it was above the bottom of the waterfall behind it. This bridge was actually a fallen oak, and it was sort of rotting away. And there was no sound except the gentle sound of rushing water. It was very, very relaxing. It was the perfect place to meditate. In fact…

I stood on the oak bridge and bent my knees a few times. It was rotten, but it was still strong and didn't budge. In fact, it kinda reminded me of…me. It was long and thin, and had suffered much abuse in its life with being a bridge and rotting and all. But despite all these hardships, it was still strong and confident.

I was really starting to calm down now. I practiced some of my kung fu moves, helping the meditation further. Finally, I felt at peace with the world.

"AAAAHHHHH!!!!!" Wha-? What the heck was that? It sounded like LeShawna! Is she in trouble? Before I could figure that out though, I heard singing…

_"Izzy, Izzy, Izzy of the Jungle!"_ **WHAM!** Out of frickin' nowhere, Izzy swung down from a vine and slammed into me! I was stuck to her due to friction as the vine continued to swing.

"IZZY!" I yelled, three-quarters in fear and one-quarter in anger.

_"Friend to you and me!"_ She wasn't listening! Great!

Uh oh, we were headed straight to the Confession Can! "IZZY! WATCH OUT FOR THAT OUTHOUSE!!!!!"

"No no, silly!" she giggled. "The song goes, _Watch out for that-"_ **SLAM!** I hit the outhouse face first and fainted for the third time that day.

Some guys get all the luck, don't they?

* * *

Author's Notes: Yup, the last part is from the theme song. I mean, they had to do that stuff at some point!

If you haven't noticed, there is a new poll in my profile. If you're reading this sentence, you should be able to answer it no problem. I like to see feedback on my work!


	3. From Ezekiel to Zeke to Gone

Disclaimer: I don't own TDI, Harold, or references.

Author's Notes: Wow, I'm amazed at all the praise I'm getting! Thanks to all of you for the feedback!

Winter-Rae, are you my long-lost sister or something? We seem to have mostly the same opinions on the campers. Courtney's my least favorite camper too (though I still enjoy writing her. Harold gets half of his character from his rivalries with Duncan and Courtney.)

Warning: Massive drama ahead! If you've seen the show (and if you haven't, you'd probably not be here in the first place) you'd know that Ezekiel's number is up. How will Harold react to losing his friend? Well...just read.

* * *

Island of Idiots

Chapter 3: From Ezekiel to Zeke to Gone

I woke up on a stretcher in some green tent. To my left there was a small drawer with disheveled papers stacked in and some bottles and a first aid kid on top. To my right…were Ezekiel and Noah.

"Harold?" my buddy asked, feeling my forehead. "Are you alright, eh? That's the thurd time you fainted today, eh!"

I smiled at him. "I'm fine, actually. I am Iron Man!"

"Who's Iron Man?"

"Comic book character." I stood up and checked my legs to see if they'd support my weight, and they did. I was surprised how good I felt…In fact, even my wiener wasn't hurting anymore! I turned back to the two and asked Ezekiel, "So, how was your playdate with Chef?"

Whoa, that might've not been the right thing to say. The prairie boy's cheeks puffed out and his face turned green. He then rushed over to a small wastebasket at the corner and tossed his cookies.

"Chef tied us to chairs," Noah told me, "And force-fed us sh$t."

**BLARGH!** There goes poor Ezekiel's last week of meals.

"Why?"

Noah rolled his eyes. "Because we didn't touch our breakfast." **BLARGH!**

Why is it that all the nerds and people I like are getting all the rotten luck? Here I am getting hurt all the time and getting flak for everything I do, while everyone ignores Ezekiel and he and Noah just got force-fed by Chef. I swear, there's some kind of conspiracy against all the nerds, dorks, geeks, and freaks of the world. And I don't like it.

_**"ATTENTION CAMPERS!!!!!"**_ Great, just what I needed to hear. _**"IT'S DINNER TIME! AND KILLER BASS, YOU'VE GOT AN INTERVIEW WITH A CAMPFIRE IN 45 MINUTES! CHRIS MACLEAN OUT!"**_

**BLARGH! **

"WHAT? 45 MINUTES? How long have I been out of it?!" I asked to no one in particular.

Noah checked his watch. "8 hours 56 minutes." **BLARGH!** "Ezekiel, take your medicine already."

"Ookay, eh…"

Wow, the poor guy was an absolute mess now. With his sunken-in eyes, pale skin, and cold sweat you'd think that Chef did something a lot worse than feeding his cooking to him. I really wanted him to stay in bed now, but the dinner was mandatory and I didn't want to see him penalized.

"C'mon, Zeke," I said in my most gentle voice, taking him by the arm. "I'll eat your dinner for ya so Chef doesn't bust you again." We exited the tent and reached the front entrance to the Mess Hall before he said anything.

"Who's Zeke, eh?"

"You are. Zeke is short for Ezekiel."

He struggled to look at me. "Zeke, eh? …I like that name. Zeke. That's only one syllable instead of four."

And from that moment on, Ezekiel was Zeke. At least to me he was.

---

That medicine really worked. By the time the other campers got to the Mess Hall and sat down to their dinners, Ezekiel…oops, I mean Zeke was talking and joking with me as if nothing went wrong that day. Man…there's really something about Zeke that sort of zaps away the bad stuff that happened to you, at least temporarily.

"Soo, uhhhh…" one of the twins started. "What do we do now?"

"We have to figure out who we're going to vote off," Courtney replied. Don't worry Miss CIT, I already figured out who to vote off hours ago.

Next thing I knew, Duncan shocked me by jerking his thumb to said cretin and saying, "Well, I think it should be Princess." Wow, the guy I hate actually hates the girl I hate?! Given my luck, I would've expected them to be on the same side. Or worse…fall in love (Gosh, looking back I really wish I hadn't thought that).

"Or the brickhouse here," he added, jerking his other thumb to DJ.

Courtney looked almost as shocked as I felt. "What? Why?" Seriously, you don't know why you'd get voted off? If you're going to be that stupid, I'll provide a list of reasons for you.

1. You didn't jump.

2. Your eye is swollen.

3. You haven't shown adequate leadership ablitiies, despite claiming the job.

4. You're really annoying.

5. You blame your losses on others.

6. You're useless.

7. Your ego is too big to fit on this island.

8. You're mean.

9. You're prejudiced.

10. You suck.

11. You hate me.

12. You're really annoying.

Duncan went with reason #1. "Because, unless I'm mistaken, you two are the only ones here wearing chicken hats. And if we have to lift a truck or something, I like our chances with the big guy." DJ smiled, and so did I. Looks like Courtney's going home!

"B-but you guys need me!" she whined, as a last-ditch effort to save herself. "I'm the only one-"

"We KNOW," Bridgette sighed, rolling her eyes. "You used to be a real CIT. So who would you pick?" Probably me.

"What about…" She looked around the table a bit, before finally pointing to Tyler. "Him?!" Wait, not me?

"NOOOOOO!!!!!" Huh? I turned in my chair and spotted the big boobies chick, who was now standing with her arms raised in protest. Wait…wasn't she the one who was going googly-eyed to Tyler earlier?

Now that everyone was staring at her, big boobies chick got nervous and changed her mind, I guess. "Uh, I mean…no salt. There's no salt on the table. Bummer..."

Excuse me, but this moment requires a Comic Book Guy impression. Ahem. WORST. COVER-UP. EVER.

After a bit of confusion, we continued discussing the elimination. "Hey hey, at least he jumped off the cliff chicken wing!" That's probably the oddest nickname I've ever heard.

"Shut up!"

Then Geoff came up to them and placed his arms on their shoulders. "Okay, let's just chill out. This is getting waaaay too heavy."

Duncan apparently hates peacemakers, because he stood up and said, "Uh, I think I've had enough prison food for one day." Yeah, like you've eaten prison food you poser. "I'm gonna go take a nap." He then headed to the door.

"Wait!" Courtney shouted. "You can't do that! We still haven't decided who's going yet!" But he was gone already. Good thing too, because if he heard what Zeke said next…hoo boy. That would've been bad.

"Well I don't get why we lost, eh. They're the ones that have six girls!"

…

Everyone was silent. Every female eye was on Zeke, and they ranged from angry to shocked to…I'm not even sure what Katie and Sadie were doing. They kind of looked like they were going to throw up, what with the way they just stopped chewing.

Finally, Bridgette and Eva stood on each side of Zeke, looking absolutely furious.

"What is THAT supposed to mean?" Bridgette asked, her tone condescending.

"Yeah Homeschool!" Eva growled, slamming the table in front of the poor boy with her fist. "Enlighten us!" Zeke, you better not mess this up…

"Well, guys are much better and stronger at spoorts than girls are." You messed it up. Hoo boy, you REALLY messed it up. "My dad told me to look out for the girls here eh, in case they can't keep up." Oh no, "REALLY messed it up" doesn't even come close to it…Wait.

His DAD told him that? You mean that freaky prairie dad (Chris' words) who works at the farm all day? …Oh my gosh. His dad's an idiot, and he followed his example!

Eva then lifted Zeke in a choke hold, seriously looking like she wanted to snap his head clear off. "Still think we need your help keeping up…?" she asked in a dangerously calm-sounding voice.

"N-not really…"

Geoff then came to the rescue, being the peacemaker again. Thank you! "Okay guys, let's give him a break! I mean, it's not like he said that guys are smarter than girls."

Eva let go of Zeke, and he dropped to the floor like a soggy towel (did that make any sense?). He struggled to get up, and decided to make do with getting his head at table-level. "But they are," he added.

I needed to make him stop before he said something worse. So I did something idiotic.

"Excuse me!" I shouted, randomly climbing over the table and grabbing Zeke's arm. "I think Ezekiel needs some alone time!" I practically ran out the Mess Hall, Zeke struggling to keep up (like he said girls had trouble doing?) and looking both confused and traumatized.

---

After a minute of running I found this nice secluded area of the woods, then I dealt with the issue at hand. "Zeke, what the heck were you thinking?!"

He quivered like a leaf, his eyes darting back in the direction we came as if Eva was following us. She wasn't. "Uh…I, I dunno, eh!"

"Why did you say those things about girls?!" I asked, nearly screaming out of hysterics.

"I, I thought they were troo, eh!" he replied, shielding himself from me for some reason.

"True?" I couldn't believe it. "Of course they're not true!"

"B-but my dad toold me they were troo! 'N my mom agreed with 'im!"

"Well they're not," I sternly said. "Your dad was wrong."

Zeke looked at me like I was some disgusting pimple-covered Vulcan. But it was also a hurt, afraid look. "…He can't be wrong. He, he can't!"

"Did you see Eva lift that crate? There's your proof."

"'N then she throttled me…………My dad…"

Then he fell to the ground and cried. And I mean REAL crying. The kind of crying you cry when your pet iguana dies, the one you raised and loved with tender care for her whole life.

After about three minutes of crying, Zeke faced me, his eyes bloodshot and puffy, tears stuck to his cheeks, and mucus running out his nose. "…My…My life is a lie, Harold."

I had no frickin' idea how to respond to that.

"How…How much of what I knoo…How much is wrong?"

Then I started thinking of the Matrix. I chastised myself for being so heartless during my friend's life-changing trauma.

Finally, I decided on what to say to him. "Zeke…listen."

He hiccupped. "Wha-what eh?"

I spoke slowly, making absolutely sure that I said the right words. "Your parents…they may have told you some…incorrect things…"

He nodded, new tears beginning to form in his eyes.

"But…but no matter how many things…how many lies they taught you…they can't change who you really are…deep inside."

"Wh-who am I?" he asked, the tears flowing freely now.

"You're…the nicest, smartest, and most friendly person I ever met." And I meant it, too. Before Zeke, pretty much everyone I came across either bullied, ignored, or just plain loathed me.

Zeke looked at me, and seemed to try and say something. Though after a while he gave up, and gave me a wet, tearful hug instead. That hug said more than any words ever could.

"It's okay, Zeke…" I patted him softly on the back as he continued to sob from his tumult of emotions. "It's okay."

_**"KILLER BASS!!!!!"**_ Ugh, Chris! We were in the middle of a mental breakdown here! _**"IT'S TIME TO VOTE! DROP BY THE CONFESSION CAN, PLACE YOUR VOTES, AND MEET ME BY THE BONFIRE IN FIVE!"**_

"IDIOT!" I roared to the heavens. I then turned back to Zeke, who was sniffling to suggest that he was finishing his crying session. "Are you going to be okay?"

He nodded, and with one last sniff he struggled to stand up. He made it, though.

"Alright, Zeke. Let's get rid of Courtney now."

**BZZZT!**

Here I was, back in the outhouse that smelled funny, but not bad. Now there was a ballot box, some slips of paper, and a pen sitting on the toilet. I guessed an intern put them there. Whatever. I wasted no time grabbing the pen and writing in big, clear letters who I wanted off this island; Courtney.

"You are a liability to this team," I gravely announced as I held my vote to the camera, just like they do on Survivor. "You say that you can lead, but you can't. You say that you want to win, but you chicken out of the challenge. You try to make the most out of our team, but you fail to see my potential. You deserve to leave." I placed the vote in the ballot box and headed out.

**BZZZT!**

Zeke was next in line, looking pretty nervous. I gave him a thumbs up, mouthed "Courtney's gone", and he gave me a smile.

---

I was the third one at the bonfire that night. I scowled as I saw Duncan picking his nails with a pocketknife and Courtney with her arms folded in front of her sulking. Yeah, you'll get what's coming to you, bitch.

The rest of the team slowly trickled in one by one. Zeke looked nervous as he sat in the front, looking like he wanted this to just be over. Geoff was next, smiling for some reason, and then was Tyler looking confident. Then the twins arrived, giggling and talking to each other as usual, then Bridgette, who stole a quick glance to Geoff and sat at the back. Then was Eva, who said and acknowledged nothing and sat alone, her back turned to us. Finally DJ walked in, nervously twiddling his thumbs.

"Dude," Duncan said to Zeke. "You've got a lot to learn about the real world." Yeah, I think he knows that now. Thanks for reminding him, idiot.

Chris suddenly popped up from the podium. What, was he just hiding there this whole time for some cheap laughs? Idiot.

"Killer Bass, at camp marshmallows represent a tasty treat that you enjoy roasting over the fire." What, marshmallows? Why the heck is he talking about marshmallows? "At this camp, marshmallows represent LIFE." Oh, he's just ripping off Survivor again. Okay, this speech is really long. Yeah, I know, if I get voted off I'll never get to come back. Whatever, Courtney's going to get voted out anyway.

The first marshmallow went to Geoff. Well, he's pretty likable so he kind of deserves it. He pretty much ran up to the marshmallow platter and speared a marshmallow with his stick.

"Yeah! Place at the table!" Weird thing to say, but Tyler was safe, too.

"Katie."

"Bridgette."

"DJ."

"Harold." I did a fist pump and wheezed, "Yes!" I was pretty sure I was safe, but it felt great to hear it from the source itself.

"Sadie."

"Duncan." The punk got his marshmallow, and then I realized there were only two campers left; Zeke and Courtney. I guess some of the girls were still mad at him about the sexism thing…

"Campers, this is the final marshmallow of the evening!" Chris spoke with much grandeur, pointing at the solitary marshmallow remaining on the platter. Poor Zeke…did Chris really have to dump all this pressure on him? He was shaking like a leaf again as Chris left a very long, dramatic pause.

It was pure torture. Chris made the moment even more dramatic by closing his eyes and randomly pointing between him and Courtney. It was almost like…HE was choosing who would leave. Meanwhile, the more scared Zeke got, the tighter I crossed my fingers and the faster and whispered, "Give it to Zeke, give it to Zeke, give it to Zeke…"

Then with two syllables, a part of me died.

"Courtney."

---

The world felt like it was crashing down on me. It must be a mistake, I thought to myself. He must've meant Courtney's going home, right? There's no way Zeke could leave this early! I've only known him two days! My friend can't leave after two days! It's impossible! It can't happen! It just CAN'T!

But it did. Courtney sighed in relief as she claimed the final marshmallow. Poor Zeke slumped on his stump, looking like he was about to cry again.

"Can't say I'm shocked." Chris scolded him. Oh, as if voting him off wasn't enough, you bastard? "I saw you picking your nose, dude. Not cool."

Zeke slowly stood up, a sad, yet determined look on his face. He must've accepted his fate faster than I did.

"Dock of Shame is thattaway, bro."

He nodded, and started to walk. I wanted to say something to him, ANYTHING, but it was like my lips were clamped together by a plasma vice. I just watched in horror as he walked away…far far away. He got onto a boat, and then he was gone. My best and only friend, Zeke, was no longer on the island.

---

I wanted to scream. No, I had to scream. So I did what any teenager would've done in my situation. At the first possible opportunity, I broke away from my team, sprinted through the woods, arrived at my utopia, stood on the log that was like me and screamed.

I screamed for the demise of my friend. I screamed for Courtney's victory. I screamed for the unfairness of it all. I screamed for Duncan, who I knew was up to no good. I screamed for all the idiots who voted Zeke off the island. I screamed for my beloved pet iguana, Martini. And I screamed for the terrible blow dealt to the nerds, dorks, geeks, and freaks of the world.

After about ten minutes my voice became horribly sore, so I headed back to the Bass cabin.

---

"Why did you do it?!" I asked, my voice twice as raspy as usual, as my teammates looked on in confusion.

"Why'd we do what, brah?" Geoff asked.

"Vote…vote HIM off?" I glared at the pink cowboy in rage. The person who I liked and respected less than an hour ago, I now saw as an enemy.

"Ya mean Ezekiel?" he asked, leaping from his top bunk bed to face me. "I thought that the girls would refuse to work with him after he said those sexist comments. Our teamwork mojo would've been on the fritz."

"Yeah," DJ agreed, "Me too."

"But he didn't mean it!" I protested. "Tomorrow he would've gladly apologized to the girls!"

"A grudge is a grudge," Tyler piped in. "Believe me, I know." He then rubbed his forearm subconsciously.

"But-"

"Look." Duncan walked into the cabin, still picking at his fingernails with that pocket knife. Gosh, does he think that it's cool to mutilate your fingers or something? "When you've been in juvie as long as I have, you learn a few things. Such as that book smarts mean nothing in life. Book smarts don't save your life when someone's got a gun pressed to your temple. Sticking your face in books all day doesn't help you get a job, make money, or stand up for yourself. See, your friend Ezekiel was all book smarts and no street smarts."

I was really starting to get pissed by this guy. He's basically saying that his way of life results in making you successful, but I have yet to see HIM being successful. Where's your mansion and trophy wife, huh Duncan?

"No," I said, taking a step towards the punk I hated so much. "You're wrong. What Zeke lacked in street smarts, he made up for in kindness and compassion."

The guys all started howling in laughter. Now I was REALLY pissed off.

"Yeah, the guy who said sexist comments is soooo kind and compassionate!" Duncan joked.

"I told you, he didn't mean it!" I shouted, ignoring the pain in my throat. "He was misguided, that's all!"

"Doesn't matter!" he laughed. "Kindness and compassion mean nothing! In the real world, being kind and compassionate gets you killed!"

"NOT TRUE!"

"Then tell me, dork; why is your precious Zekey eliminated then?"

I felt my body rising in temperature as that punk continued to laugh. That wouldn't've been so bad, but Geoff, Tyler, and DJ were all laughing too! I couldn't take it anymore! The anger kept bubbling inside me, until…

**POW!** The room fell silent as Duncan fell, moaning and clutching his shoulder in pain. Okay, that was a bad idea. A VERY, VERY bad idea.

"You…" he groaned, "are going to wish you hadn't done that."

I already wished I hadn't done that. I had become so furious with both Duncan and myself that I completely forgotten the first rule of self-defense: It's called self-DEFENSE, not self-OFFENSE. I was so ashamed with myself.

---

Clearly, not having Zeke on the island wasn't going to work. But I'd have to make do.

I was back at my utopia and looked around a bit. The log already represented me, as I said earlier. Maybe there was something here that represented Zeke? How would I describe Zeke?

Let's see…I already told Duncan that he was kind and misguided. Duncan himself said he was too book smart. He also lives on the farm…he's really nervous a lot…he loves to laugh…

I found it. On the trunk, attached to a single crooked branch was a lone leaf, brown and wilted, which slowly danced in the breeze. This leaf meant no harm to anyone, yet if a caterpillar ate it, it would get sick. It dies in the fall and winter, but in the spring sunlight it shows how alive and vibrant it really is. And most importantly, it was attached to me.

Not to mention that Zeke tends to shake like a leaf when scared or nervous. I chuckled as I remembered how he shook in nerves shortly after we met, when he became scared stiff in the presence of Eva. Truly, this leaf was Ezekiel.

I gently touched the leaf a few times, smiling. "Goodbye, Zeke. Your sacrifice will have not been in vain."

Then I knew what I had to do. I would never, ever forgive myself if Courtney wasn't eliminated before I was.

"HEY!" Huh? What the heck was that?

I heard a rustle from the trees behind me. Another rustle. I turned around 360 degrees, but I saw nothing.

Nothing until Izzy was suddenly right in front of me, holding a gardening rake like a bo-staff! "AUGH!"

"Get yer mitts off mah Caroline!" she hollered in a Southern accent, beating me on the head with the rake.

"Who the heck is-OW!" She hit me again.

"Did I ask ya a question, Slim? No, I didn't. NOW GO ON, GIT!!!" She hit me a third time.

Needless to say, I ran. That Izzy was scary! Not to mention really, really weird. Once I was far enough away, I noticed her stroking the exact same leaf I found. "Don't worry, Caroline. I caught that dern leaf-napper red-handed!"

Apparently I'm not the only one here personifying inanimate objects.

* * *

Author's Notes: Uh oh! Harold's now Zeke-less and got Duncan angry...if he thought the first two days on the island were harsh, he ain't seen nothing yet! How will our intrepid hero deal with all the injustice around him, plus Duncan's revenge, all without his friend? Find out...next chapter.

If you're wondering why Izzy keeps appearing at the ends of the chapters, it's because she's my second favorite character and I wanted to involve her in the story somehow...hehehe, I'm so lame.


	4. Prank Wars

Disclaimer: I don't own TDI, Harold, Star Wars, or references.

Author's Notes: Writer's block sucks.

I'm still not entirely sure of how much I'll write after Harold's elimination. Maybe a "Courtney's revenge" chapter, then an After the Dock of Shame chapter, then a chapter with LeShawna, then the finale. I doubt I'll do TDDDDI or TDA, because Harold has a much more prominent role in those.

* * *

Island of Idiots

Chapter 4: Prank Wars

Between each challenge was a day off, when the cameras stopped rolling and the campers did whatever they pleased, pretty much. In my experience, most of the drama occurred on these days. In fact, if these were actually shown on TV, a lot of the plot holes would be explained. For example, I like to call this day…The Prank Wars.

---

Ahhhh…No Chris in the megaphone waking us up today. I woke up at 8:17, around my usual wake-up time, and looked to the bed above…Oh wait, he's gone. I sighed. This island was much, much different without a friend to greet you when you woke up.

I grabbed my glasses and stepped off the bed. Onto a banana peel. **CRACK! **I landed on my back, and it HURT.

"OW!" I screamed. "IDIOT!!!"

"HAROLD!" Suddenly Courtney (who should be GONE NOW) sat bolt upright in her bed and stared at me. "You better have a good reason for waking me up!"

"I slipped on a banana peel! Gosh!" I held up the offending fruit skin for her to see.

"Well, watch where you step next time!" She plopped back down in her bed, and I was seething mad again. The injustice of it all!

---

I got dressed and headed out the cabin for breakfast, and guess what? Duncan was leaning on the front wall, as if waiting for me. "Sleep well, sunshine?"

I glared at him, clutching my back. "Yes…I slept fine." My voice was so tense, you'd have to be an idiot to believe me.

"Good to hear." He smirked that slimy, poisonous smirk at me, that smirk I hate so much.

It was then I realized…HE placed the banana peel there. He wanted revenge from the punch I wrongfully gave him yesterday, and he got it. Unfortunately, that would only be the beginning.

---

Prank Wars, Episode I: The Farting Menace

**PFFFFT!** There was a whoopee cushion on my seat at the Bass table. Yes, really.

"Nice one, dude!" Geoff cheered, slapping me on the back. Which was still hurting from the banana peel.

"Ew!" Both Bridgette and Courtney held their noses and fanned the air around them. "Harold, you're so gross!" That was just Courtney. Ugghhhh.

Then Duncan came in, smirking the exact same smirk he was giving me earlier. "So, I take it we found the culprit of last night's bean robbery?" What? Bean robbery?

Then the ground shook multiple times as Chef stomped to the table, a vein pulsing in his temple. "What? Ya found him?!"

"Yes, sir." Wow, you're nice-guy act is soooo convincing, Duncan. "He's right there, sir!" He pointed to me, and Chef cracked his knuckles. Okay, seriously. This is just stupid.

I pulled the whoopee cushion from under me. "I didn't steal any beans, it was just a whoopee cushion! Gosh!" Then a can of beans fell out. I was screwed.

---

After I managed to leave the medical tent, my clever mind began to run on hyperdrive. At this rate, Duncan probably wasn't going to stop pranking me. I am a staunch believer of both karma and Hammurabi's Code (eye for an eye). I figured it would be fair that, for every prank after the banana peel Duncan played on me, I'd play a prank on him. Now what would be a good response to a classic whoopee cushion with a beany twist? Hmmmmm…

---

Good, he was in position. I chuckled to myself as I stealthily moved through the trees, like a cross between a ninja and one of those cartoon characters that can fit behind lampposts somehow. All this while I kept an eye on him. Duncan was carving a skull onto a tree, something he does quite often. **Scrip scrip scrip!** Just about done…and that was my cue!

I dropped a shiny new Canadian dollar coin in front of him, while still hiding behind the trees.

"Huh?" he asked, subconsciously hearing the near-silent sound of the coin landing on the grass. He looked around for a moment, shrugged, then went back to his carving.

I would've yelled "Gosh!", but I was trying to remain undetected for now. So instead I just dropped another coin.

He continued to deface the tree. Ugghhhh!

I took out my wallet and shook the entire contents to the ground. **Clink clink clink clink clink! **There's no way he couldn't notice that!

Yep, he noticed that. "Huh? Where'd all these coins come from? Whatever; they're mine now." He bent down to pick them up.

I squeezed the whoopee cushion. **PFFFFT!**

"Hey! Who farted?" he stood back up in surprise. **PFFFFT!** I silently chuckled.

"Harold! Is that-" **PFFFFT!** "You better-" **PFFFFT!** "I'M WARNING YOU-" **PFFFFT!**

"DUNCAN!" Courtney arrived at the scene, and man was she freaked out. "You're SO TOTALLY-" **PFFFFT!** "-GROSS!" He blushed in embarrassment and rage, and it took everything I had not to explode in laughter.

---

Prank Wars, Episode II: Attack of the Clothes

Ahhhhhh…nothing like a mid-morning shower to calm the nerves. The plumbing system in the camp wasn't the best, so the water was kind of cold, but that was okay. I typically take cold showers anyway.

I turned off the water and reached for a towel…a towel that didn't exist. Uh oh.

"Where are the towels?" I asked, frantically slipping through the communal bathroom searching for towels. Yet every single rack I came across was empty! Even the hand towels were gone! This was terrible!

"Somebody tell me where the towels are!" I yelled, hiding behind the door. "Somebody! Anybody! Help!"

Well, whaddaya know? Turns out the somebody/anybody was Duncan. He took a quick look at me and snorted in laughter.

"Nice body," he remarked sarcastically. "I can just see the girls waiting in line for a piece of that." Jerk.

"Where are the TOWELS?" I asked again.

"Weeeeelllll…" He jerked his thumb out the door, and way off into the distance I saw some towels hanging on a tree branch. "They were kinda damp, so I thought I'd dry them off…"

"You put them way over there? Idiot!" I quickly looked for something, anything to hide my parts. Well, he kept the bars of soap…they'd have to do.

One…two…three! I ran like a bat out of hell out of the bathroom, holding a bar of soap over the front and a bar or soap over the back. I was certain that he was laughing at me behind my back, but that wasn't important now. What was important was that I get that towel before anyone noticed I was-

"WHAT THE?!!!" It was one of the Gopher girls, the tall Asian one. I couldn't remember her name. "WHAT THE HECK DO YOU THINK-"

"Ignore me please!" I called out to her.

"Dork!"

Finally I reached the tree with the towels on them…but the branch was too high! That Duncan couldn't make this easy, could he?

Good thing he didn't know that I have a third-degree tree-climbing Possum Scout badge.

I picked up a few leaves from the ground, rubbed the soaps on them, and then placed them on my unseeable areas. Then, with the speed and grace of a leopard, I climbed the tree and grabbed a towel! Yes! Victory!

**Crick!** …Uh oh. Please don't tell me that was-

**CRACK!** The thin branch gave way, and I ended up on a crumbled heap on the ground. Worse yet, the Asian chick was looking at me in disgust. Well, at least I had a towel now.

"Dork!"

---

That's strike two, Duncan. And when Harold responds to strike two, he responds more strongly than after strike one.

Duncan was taking his shower now, so I easily could've done the same thing to him as he did to me, but what's the fun in that? I strive to be original. So, I took my synthesizer, some scotch tape and wires, a toy car, and one of Duncan's shirts. Oh yes, this will be fun…

---

Shortly after I finished, Duncan came into the Bass cabin, smirking as usual with a towel over his waist.

"Hey nerd," he greeted, referring to the handheld console I had in my hands.

"That's 'Angry Video Game Nerd' to you," I countered.

"Whatever." Yeah, he hasn't heard of James Rolfe as I expected. But it didn't matter. I slowly started to grin as that punk opened his dresser and held out his shirt in front of him.

Time to play some video games.

I pressed a button on my console, and the shirt suddenly jumped out of his hands onto the floor.

"…Wha?" I swiveled the joystick and the shirt did a 180, now facing Duncan like it was possessed or something.

"…What the hell is going on here?" he asked, slightly freaked out. That was my cue to really freak him out. I preprogrammed my synthesizer to play some spooky ambience music earlier, and I pressed a button to make it happen.

_Oooooohooohhohooooohooohooooooohhhohooohhhhhooooohhhohohohhooohhh_

"AHHH! My shirt is haunted!" I laughed inwardly as the punk made a beeline for the door. Using my honed video game skills, I cleverly maneuvered the shirt to chase him.

---

After a reasonable amount of time, I put the controller down and reclined on my bed, crossing my legs. "Another job well done," I told myself.

Then my broken synthesizer was thrown at my head. I managed to dodge it, but…c'mon! The warranty on it expired two years ago! Idiot!

"Nice ghost, PUNK." Duncan entered the cabin, wearing his shirt and a furious expression. "Ya want a prank war? I'll give ya a prank war." Before I could protest, he slammed the door.

---

Prank Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sh*t

Yay, more of Chef Hatchet's unrecognizable glop for lunch! I sat down, making sure there was no whoopee cushion on my seat first, and dug in. Well…dug in as fast as I could given the taste and texture of the stuff I was eating.

"So, only eight more weeks of this crap," Duncan announced, taking a bite himself.

"Eight weeks?" the thin twin asked in disbelief. "I don't think I could last that long!"

"Me neither!" the fat one added, stuffing her face with the disgusting glop. "I'd totally die!"

I really couldn't blame them. This stuff really was disgusting. So disgusting, my stomach was churning from the effort of not vomiting…

Wait…that's not vomiting…

"BATHROOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" I screamed, pushing my chair to the floor and pushing every obstacle in my way. I heard some complaints, but I really didn't care. All I was thinking about was getting to the bathroom before **PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!**

Uh oh…looks like I need to change. Not good.

---

It probably was the simplest prank I ever came up with. But simplicity is sometimes the best way to go in situations like these.

I watched as Duncan entered the bathroom again, whistling some crappy heavy metal tune and carrying a magazine. This time, I was right in the open so he noticed me right away.

"What do ya want, dork?" he growled, "To prank me again?"

I feigned an innocent look. "What, me? How could you suggest such a horrible thing?"

"Very funny." He opened the door to one of the stalls. I'm only going to get one chance at this…here goes…

"LOOK!" I shouted, excitedly pointing out the window. "LINDSAY'S NAKED!!!"

Duncan rolled his eyes. "You're gonna have to try a lot harder than THAT."

"Oh." I thought for a moment. "LOOK! GWEN'S NAKED!!!"

No response.

"LOOK! Uh…HEATHER'S NAKED!!!"

No response.

"LOOK! BRIDGETTE'S NAKED!!!"

No response.

"LOOK! COURTNEY'S NAKED!!!"

"WHAT? WHERE?!!!!!" Duncan ran out of the bathroom, his tongue hanging out. I placed the glue on his seat, then facepalmed. He liked Courtney? Seriously? I mean, he wanted to vote her off just yesterday!

Well, at least it worked.

Duncan returned to the bathroom, pissed off at me, and sat at the glue-covered toilet seat. Life is good.

---

A few hours passed, wisely spent on fixing my synthesizer, checking on my red ant farm, practicing my nunchaku and karate at my utopia, and thinking up more possible pranks.

Then Duncan lifted me by the throat, a wooden toilet seat still attached to his bottom.

"I," he snarled, "am going to kill you."

---

Prank Wars, Episode III 1/2: BLAM

"This ends now!" I announced, swinging my nunchuks a few times.

"Yes it shall," Duncan agreed, getting ready to stab with his pocket knife. We ran towards each other, ready to fight for our lives.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I yelled.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" he yelled.

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"AAAAAHHHHH!"

"AHH!"

"AHH!"

"AH!"

"AH!"

"AH!"

"AH!"

Then Izzy and Owen came out of nowhere wearing spacesuits, and we stopped what we were doing.

_"His name was Harold," _Izzy sang. _"He was a weirdo. He took a nunchuk in each hand and whacked his enemies off the island! So Owen and Izzy, called Chris McKinley!"_

"MaClean," Owen corrected her.

_"He'd have to give him a time out before he faced Duncan in a bout. So Izzy and-Ow-en, sat and watched it all-be-gin. Then they grabbed their popcorn and candied cinnamon!" _Then they started to dance. Owen dancing was…disturbing to say the least, but Izzy was quite sexy.

_"At the Prank Wars!"_ they sang in unison, _"Prank Wars Cantina! The stupidest schemes you've ever seen-a! Here at the Prank Wars! Prank Wars Cantiiiiiina! Wildlife and bozos and final marshmallows at the Praaaaaank Wars!" _

…

Duncan and I were speechless.

"Did ya guys expect that?" Izzy asked.

We shook our heads.

"Are ya gonna mention it again?"

We shook our heads.

"A BIG-LIPPED ALLIGATOR MOMENT!!!!!" they both screamed.

---

Prank Wars, Episode IV: A New Hole

After that…uh…whatever the heck happened, Duncan apparently forgot about killing me. Good thing too; I happen to value my life.

He just went back to the pranks, which were almost as deadly as threatening to kill me.

I noticed that my fellow campers were out by the Dock of Shame, enjoying the weather and swimming at their leisure. I put on my swim trunks and decided to join them.

"Cowabunga!" I yelled as I ran down the dock, ready to hit the water. Unfortunately, I hit the water too soon.

**CRACK! SPLASH!** Gosh, what kind of idiot designed this dock?!

"Enjoying your swim?" Of course, Duncan had to show up and make my situation worse. Idiot.

_Dum dum._

What was that?

_Dum dum._

The water rippled near the horizon.

_Dum dum, dum dum, dumdumdumdum dumdumdumdum._

Oh no…please don't tell me that's the Jaws theme…

_Doodadum, doodadum, doodadum._

A gray fin broke the surface of the lake and headed towards me at high speed. Worst of all, I was trapped beneath the dock.

_Doodadum doodadum doodadum, doodadum doodadum doodadum._

The shark's head surfaced. It's tiny, mean eyes were staring directly at me, and I was sure that he…wouldn't eat me. Everyone knows that sharks like eating fat things like seals and stuff. My skinniness would taste terrible to him.

Wait, what about Owen?

The shark turned as I predicted, but now it was headed for Owen! He's playing Marco Polo with Cody and Trent! I got to save him!

"OWEN!" I yelled. "SHARK!"

Owen turned towards me and reached blindly.

"No, you're going to get eaten by a shark! Run…er, swim!"

"Nice try, Cody," he said, slowly swimming his way towards me, "but no fake shark's gonna stop me from tagging ya!"

The shark bit Owen.

"OW! GREAT GREEN GOBS OF GREASY GRIMY GOPHER GUTS THAT HURT!"

"Teeheehee!" Huh? Sharks don't giggle…

"Hey! Sharks don't giggle!" Owen noted, echoing my thoughts exactly.

"Gotcha!" The shark grabbed its head and pulled it off…oh, it's just Izzy in a costume. A pretty convincing costume, too.

"Nice one, Izzy! Where'd ya get the costume?"

"Well…" She then started babbling about how she killed this shark with her bare hands and a turtle, and then skinned it. Yeah right.

---

Alright, Duncan's latest prank was a flop, so I guess mine will have to be too. It was the classic "hole covered in leaves with a wild animal inside", but I convinced Izzy to dress up as a bear and wait down there. I'm still not entirely sure how I managed that.

And here's Duncan. He had his pocketknife out, so I guess he was going to deface more trees with his hideous skulls. And now he's in position. Perfect.

"Hey Duncan!" I yelled, waving my arms to catch his attention. "Courtney's naked again!"

"Really?!" He then rushed over where I was…while sidestepping the hole. Gosh!

"Hey…there's no naked Courtney here!" he growled, grabbing me by the collar. "And what's with the trap?"

"What trap?" I asked, playing dumb.

"Don't play dumb! Piles of leaves like that don't occur naturally!" He pointed at my trap covered with leaves…yeah, I guess I could've done a better job.

I frowned and kicked him into the trap.

---

When Duncan finally got out of the hole, he was bruised, bloody, and had dirt and twigs in his hair.

"Geez…that bear really can throw a tea party…" he then fainted on his bed. Score one for Harold.

---

Prank Wars, Episode V: The Umpire Strikes Back

"Play ball!" Geoff announced, squatting down next to home plate.

I have to admit; this is the best idea I've heard so far on this show. Baseball is a really fun game, and the best part is the teams are mixed up, to prevent competition and to meet some new faces.

On my team were Gwen, Cody, Heather, Bridgette, Justin, Beth, Tyler, Eva, and DJ. Everyone else was on the other team except for Noah, who declined to play. His loss.

"Go team whatever," he droned, raising his fist halfheartedly in fake cheer. "You're the best. Woohoo."

And so the game began. Gwen surprised us all by managing a double in the first pitch. Then Cody struck out. Heather got a walk, and then Bridgette on the third pitch tripped over and hit the ball to first, resulting in an out. Justin got a home run mostly due to the girls staring at him as he ran in slow-motion past the bases while the Baywatch theme played. Then it was my turn.

"Don't sweat it," Beth told me as I stood up to bat, "We've already got two runs! This is so much fun!"

"Yeah, it is," I agreed. Then I faced Owen, who gave me a smirk as he wound up for a fastball. **ZING!** Whoa that was fast!

"STEEEEERIKE ONE!" Geoff bellowed, throwing the ball back to Owen.

**ZING!** Another fastball.

"STEEEEERIKE TWO!" I was starting to get a bit nervous here, but not too much. It's not like we were doing this for invincibility or anything.

Owen poked his tongue out of his mouth, giving me a hard, but friendly glare. He slowly wound up, and…a curve ball!

Fortunately, it was slow enough so I could calculate its trajectory. **CRAAACK!** The ball popped near third base, where big boobies chick covered her head from the baseball. I'd have to be quick!

I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and I ran, and SLIDE! A cloud of dust formed as my foot cleaved through the dirt. I was three meters away…two meters…one…

"Gotcha!" Huh? The first baseman, Duncan, had tagged me with the ball! But wait…the last time I saw the ball big boobies chick accidentally threw it to Owen…

Hey! That ball's a fake! The ball we were using was white and new, but the ball that tagged me was old and yellowed.

The dust cleared and Duncan grinned. Geoff squinted in our direction, and decided, "OUT! My team up to bat!"

"But-" I stammered, "But-but-but that's not the ball we were using!"

Geoff shrugged. "Looks like a baseball to me." Idiots!

---

Throughout the next few innings, I was concentrating more on my next revenge scheme on Duncan than actually playing baseball. Ugh…at one point I was so distracted that I literally let Courtney run by second base while the ball was next to my foot! I'll never be able to live that one down.

"Hey Harold?" That was Beth again. "What's the problem?"

"Nothing," I replied.

I thought she'd just leave it alone and return to the game, but fortunately for her Eva was chasing the last hit. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I didn't want her to be involved in this. But I was glad she cared. None of the Bass seem to care.

---

Duncan straddled up to bat, wearing a smirk as he swung his bat a few times. Time to knock him down another peg.

"HEY BATTA BATTA!" I yelled. "HEY BATTA BATTA HEY BATTA BATTA SWING!"

Duncan furiously glared in my direction. "Shut up, dweeb!" Then the ball whizzed by him.

"STEEEEERIKE ONE!" Geoff announced from third base.

Alright, phase one is complete. Time for phase two.

I shook my butt at home plate. "Hey look at me! I'm Duncan!"

"I don't do that, dweeb!"

I was being immature, yes, but I didn't care at the moment. The point was to strike Duncan out off his inability to ignore me. _"Duncan Duncan bo Buncan banana fana fo Funcan fee fi mo Muncan…DUNCAN!"_

"HAROLD!" Courtney yelled, "You're so immature!"

"STEEEEERIKE TWO!"

He waved his fist at me. "I'm ignoring you now!" Oh yeah? Let's see him ignore this!

"I act all big and tough!" I shouted, puffing up my chest for emphasis, "But deep down I'm just a big softy!" That's true in about 9 out of 10 bullies, and was probably true with Duncan too. "In fact, I've never even been to juvie! And I have a crush on-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Everyone looked back at Duncan, who for the first time looked genuinely scared and upset. Oh dear…have I gone too far?

"STEEEEERIKE THREE! YER OUT!"

---

Prank Wars, Episode VI: Terms of the Jedi

Despite my immature taunting, Duncan's team ended up winning 19-15. It was still a fun game, though. It was sunset now, and I was headed back to the Bass cabin to put away my gear when a shout I didn't expect interrupted me.

"Harold!" I turned and saw Duncan, who didn't look nearly as angry as I thought he would be.

"What do you want?" I growled, crossing my arms over my chest. "For me to continue getting hurt and humiliated for your own amusement?"

"Well hey, you did it to me too!" he retorted.

"Only because you did it to me FIRST!"

The punk looked like he was going to respond to that, but he just stood there, giving me a quizzical look. After a while, he said, "You're a pretty good prankster."

"Thanks." It was a stiff thanks, not a warm, glowing thanks.

But he wasn't done. "But during that baseball game, you really, REALLY crossed the line. One, I am NOT a softy!" He jabbed his chest right on the skull on his shirt. "And I HAVE been to juvie! And the next time you say those things about me, I'll kill you. Got it?"

I nodded.

"And TWO…" He held out two fingers. "I don't have a crush on ANYBODY, and if you say I do, I'll kill you twice-"

"You have a crush on Courtney," I remarked calmly, smirking. The look on his face only confirmed it.

"No I don't, ya weasel-faced-"

"Yes you do. You wanted to see her naked."

He was trapped. "Uh…no. I, uh…DON'T TELL ANYONE!"

"Well, I sorta thought about telling everyone…" I was just messing around with him now. He was under my control for a change, and I was loving it! "But if you provide a little…motivation, I'll stay quiet."

"Motivation." He spat out the word like it was some kind of venom. "Like, be your stupid slave for a week?"

"That won't be necessary," I told him. "Just stop pranking me and tell your 'girlfriend' to value my input in challenges."

Duncan hung his head low and took a few deep breaths before responding. "…Fine." He headed back to the cabin.

I pumped my fist in victory. "Yes."

* * *

Author's Notes: Most of the days between episodes are going to be like this; goofy filler-esque outings that, quite frankly, would probably work just as well as one-shots.

Next chapter is part one of The Big Sleep. Harold doesn't do much in this episode, but the next couple chapters should still be very entertaining. Stay tuned!


	5. The Origin of Dirty Harold

Disclaimer: I don't own TDI, Harold, Dante's Inferno, or references.

Author's Note: Where did all my reviewers go? I only got one review for chapter 4, while the other three chapters got, like, six reviews each. Was there a problem with the previous chapter? If so, I hope you like this one better.

Also, note that the next few chapters will have a lot of stuff from Dante's Inferno (It's what Harold's going to be dreaming about), so if you don't like people talking about Hell or religious references (which I'll try to use minimally), you might want to wait until the "Dodgebrawl" chapters to open your eyes. Or you could read a Care Bears fanfic again.

* * *

Island of Idiots

Chapter 5: The Origin of Dirty Harold

**HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**BONK!** The sound of six people (including me) hitting their heads on the beds above them resonated through the Bass cabin. I grasped my head, trying to get rid of the throbbing ache now coursing through it.

"GAWDAMMIT CHRIS!" Eva roared. "STOP WAKING US SO F&CKING EARLY!!!!!" Looks like someone really hates waking up early…I mean, even more so than usual.

Tired and cranky, then ten Bass members got on their clothes and…uh oh.

"WHERE IS MY SWEATBAND?!!!" Man, Eva's got some serious anger issues. "I NEED MY SWEATBAND!!!"

Duncan sighed. "Have you tried your suitcase, sunshine?" Have I told you that Duncan is an idiot? Well this just proves it.

"I don't know…MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE A LOOK!!!!!" Duncan dodged the flying suitcase just in time (that sucks), and it broke the window.

**BZZZT!**

Alright, the Confessionals are open again! Although it took me twenty minutes to get in here because of Courtney's ranting…

"It's day two," I told the camera, "and I'm ready to rock! I lost my best friend, Zeke, last time, so now I've got to play for him, and win! Whatever today's challenge is, BRING IT!"

**BZZZT!**

Well, this is a boring challenge so far. We were just standing in line! Why did Chris want to wake us up so early if he wouldn't show up? Maybe he wants to be the only one to get beauty sleep. And we had to pay for it by being bored.

Well at least Eva sort of had the right idea. She was listening to an MP3 player. I wonder what kinds of music she listens to…punk? Heavy metal? Weird Al?

Though at least I was smart enough not to ask.

Cody from the other team looked at the musical box in interest and took a closer look, his fingers wiggling. Naturally, Eva gave him a very fierce growl.

"Mornin' campers!" Finally Chris was here, looking jovial and well-rested. "Hope ya slept well!" Well, I slept well for like, two hours.

"Hi Chris," …Her name was Heather, right? "You look really buff in those shorts." And the point of that was…?

"I know! Okay, I hope you're all ready because your next challenge starts in one MINUTE!" ONE MINUTE?! Then why didn't you just tell us twenty minutes ago when…never mind.

Owen said something stupid, then Chris explained our next challenge: a twenty kilometer run around the island. Gosh, I'm not sure if I can do that…

"Oh, so you're funny now!" Eva was angry, yet again, and advanced towards the host, ready to kill. She was held back though…what a shame. "You know what I think would be funny?"

"Eva!" Courtney hissed to her. You know, what's funny is that when most people whisper to other people you can't hear them, but Courtney's whispers are so shrill you can hear them anyway. "Try to control your temper!"

"You're enjoying this, aren't you?!!" Uh, I don't think she's trying to control her temper.

Chris smirked. "A little." Aha, so he admitted it! Too bad I didn't have my video camera…oh wait; I don't need a video camera! The show itself recorded that! Aha!

---

All the campers lined up at the starting line. Some were crouching. Others (namely me) were just standing, dreading this moment.

You see…I'm more of a "Do things in spurts" kind of guy. When my adrenaline pumps through my veins, when I need a short fight or flight mechanism, or when just performing an awesome skill, I do fine. But when I do strenuous activity for more than twenty or thirty minutes in a row, my mental issues kick in. Even if I walk for too long without water, I get these cramps in my lungs and my heart beats funny. Asthma and hypoglycemia are the pits.

"Okay runners!" Chris announced. "On your marks, get set…GO!"

Well, here goes. I saw the other campers whiz right past me as they actually decided to RUN the twenty K's. Even Tyler, who had the most horrible running posture I've ever seen, passed me without a problem. At least I'm not the only one who was walking. Let's see…there's Gwen, Heather, LeShawna…the twins…Noah…How long have I been walking? Thirty seconds. Hoo boy, this is going to be a looooooong day…

---

Alright, I'm at the two K mark. And I'm already tired. Great…

"Do you know how much longer?" I asked whoever was next to me. Gwen. Hmmmm…I never talked to her before.

"Don't walk beside me." Okay, maybe there was a good reason I never talked to her before.

---

A few minutes later I came across Owen who…was lying in a shallow stream, licking up water like a dog.

"Oh…Hey…Harold…" he greeted through panting breaths. "I'm…just…taking…a…short…break…"

I shrugged. I felt for the guy. "Mind if I join you?" I sat down besides the tub of lard and sipped some water of my own. I didn't lick it up like a dog, though.

"No…problem…man…"

---

Alright, I'm on my way! Just gotta keep going! Just gotta…man, my legs are starting to hurt…

---

"Hey Harold!" Owen greeted as he passed me.

I groaned.

---

Gosh, how long have I been walking? The sun was harsh now, so it must be at least ten…when did the race start? Six? It's been four hours?!

---

My breathing was really starting to constrict now. I tried to distract myself by classifying all the trees I passed…but they were all either pines or oaks. Booooooring.

---

Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. Let's see how long I can think the word "bored" before getting bored. Bored. Bored. Bored. I'm bored.

---

_White and Nerdy, I'm just so White and Nerdy, I'm just too White and Nerdy. Been browsin' my X-Men comics ya know I collect 'em. _Yeah, I collect X-Men comics. _The pens in my pocket I must protect them._ No, I don't have a pocket protector. _My ergonomics keyboard never leaves me bored._ I'm bored right now!

---

Let's see…we're probably going to lose this challenge because of me…oh crap, I might get voted off! Unless I manage to get people to vote off Courtney…somehow.

---

What is the meaning of life, anyway? Is it to live life in the greatest way you possibly can, meaning that you take advantage of all possibilities to make yourself happy without negative consequences? Or is what the Catholics say is true, and we have to live our lives by helping people and being faithful to God in order to spend an eternity in heaven? That's a very good question…

---

Words that start with X…xylophone, Xerox, X-ray, X-mas, Xavier, Xena, xenon, xenophobia, xanthum gum, xither…wait, that's spelled with a Z…whatever. Xucchini, xebra, Xackary, xip, xap, xero, xoo, xygote, xephyr…

---

**Thump thump, thump thump, thumpthumpthumpthump, thumpthumpthump, thump. **Ugh, my heartbeat's going all irregular! Please tell me this race is almost over…please…

---

There it is! The Mess Hall! I'm going to make it! I'm going to make it! Am I going to make it?

---

I made it!

"What took you so long?!!" Gosh Courtney, have some sympathy for me! "We just lost the challenge!"

I clutched my chest and took as deep a breath as I could, but it hardly felt satisfying. My asthma was on full force. "I think I'm having heart palpitations!"

"Hey, wait a minute…" That was Gwen. "If they lost, that means we won the challenge!" Great, Zeke leaves first and I'm going to leave second. Isn't life grand?

Then Chris said the best thing he ever said. "Hold your horses, guys! That wasn't the challenge!"

That…wasn't the challenge?

I felt a beam of concentrated happiness and relief hit my chest. That wasn't the challenge! I didn't cost my team the challenge! Yes! Even my asthma and heart palpitations seemed to be improving!

Then Chris revealed the banquet, and my chest nearly exploded out of joy.

It looked like a Thanksgiving dinner cooked by the gods. The turkey was huge and cooked golden brown to perfection. The stuffing was steaming and sizzling in tastiness. The cranberry sauce was bright magenta. There were even baked beans and maple syrup (though Owen finished off that before anyone else could get a chance)!

---

I didn't even pay attention to what I ate. All I knew was that I ate more delicious, satisfying food in that meal than I typically eat in a week. And given how the other 20 campers were lying around, happily moaning and clutching their full stomachs after the great meal was vanquished, I probably wasn't the only one.

"Okay campers!" Chris announced. "Time for part two of your challenge!"

"I thought eating was part two," Owen remarked, his cheeks still stuffed with baked beans and maple syrup. Meh…I thought it was too.

Turns out that the real challenge of the day was an Awake-a-thon. The camper to fall asleep last wins the challenge for their team. Sounds simple enough…if I wasn't already exhausted and still recovering from that walk.

I had no chance of winning this challenge, did I?

---

We must've been eating for a long time, because it was already dark when we went outside. Chris led us to the bonfire pit, then left us alone…except for the cameramen.

**Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.** A timer started. I wonder how long I'd last? Probably no longer than three hours.

---

**Tock. Tick. Tock.** Well, that's three hours, and I'm still awake. So is everyone else, actually. Man, if I thought the 20 K run was boring…I need something to do.

Beth was talking to Heather and big boobies chick (Let's see if I can remember her name…Leslie?). Cody was trying to hang out with Gwen and big headed guy (Trent, right?), who were talking to each other. Courtney was jogging in place. Eva was kickboxing with a tree. Zeke isn't here. Ah, Noah's free. Let's see how he's doing.

"What do you want?" he asked once I was within 5 meters of him. He seemed cranky (even more so than usual), which given the challenge made sense.

"…To talk?"

He gave me a very stern look. "You want me to help you get your mind running so you stay awake longer. May I remind you we're on opposite teams, thus I want you asleep?" Clever clever.

"No…but aren't I helping you stay up too?"

That got his attention. "You found the loophole? Very well; talk away."

---

"And then Duncan said that book smarts are useless!" I ranted, as Noah rested his head on his arm and his eyelids drooped. "And kindness gets you killed!"

When Noah didn't answer for a few seconds, I worried that he might've fallen asleep. But he proved that wrong when he slowly lifted his head and let out a yawn.

"I can't say anything about kindness," he mumbled, "But as for the book smarts? I believe Duncan is unacquainted with my good friend William Gates."

I chuckled. For his crabbiness and grumpiness, not to mention he's on the other team, Noah's good to talk to.

---

**Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Ding!** "Congratulations campers!" Chris greeted. "Every single one of you passed the twelve-hour mark!"

Most of us responded with a weak cheer due to our exhaustion. However, Owen went all out.

"Stay awake for twelve hours?" he shouted, "I can do that in my sleep!" Uhhhhh…no, you can't. "WOOHOO!"

Then he fell asleep.

---

"And then the quantum particle generawawa muhmuhmum…" And Noah fell asleep in the middle of our fascinating discussion of science fiction physics. Great, now I was tired AND alone. Only one thing to do now…

---

Heather paced in front of…Lizzie? and Beth, strategizing I guess. "…anyone who breaks the rules will be thrown out of the alliance AND become a target the next time we vote someone out." She's heading an alliance? Not my team, so not my problem. "Got that?"

Beth nodded her head vigorously, looking very excited.

"And you, Lindsay?" Ah, so her name's Lindsay! Alright, I think I've got everyone's name now!

"Uhhhh…" Lindsay placed a finger on her chin. "I think so…but what if, like, someone else wants to join the alliance thingy?"

Heather scoffed. "I chose you two specifically for the skills you attribute to the team, and me. I don't want more members, so any hopefuls with just have to deal with refusal."

"Ohhhhhhhhh…what's an alliance again?" Gosh, I thought dumb blondes only existed on TV…wait, this is TV.

Then she stood up, and naturally I transfixed my gaze on her boobies. They jiggled quite a lot.

"I need to go, like, really bad. Where's the Communion thingy again?"

Heather jerked her thumb to the right. "The COMMUNAL BATHROOMS are that way." And there goes my main form of entertainment.

Unless…

"HEY!" Uh oh, Heather must've spotted me. "What do you think you're doing, alpha geek?"

I was too tired to say anything except, "Boobies."

**SLAP!** "Go away, you pervert!"

---

My vision was beginning to get hazy. Colors swirled within my eyes as I chanted to myself to stay awake. The last thing I remember was seeing some apples…they looked so juicy and plump and moist, and they turned purple, and I'm really hallucinating now. Gosh, I'm so tired…

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

The wind whipped through my hair as my motorcycle cleaved through the streets. There was no traffic; just me, my awesome hog, and the wild untamed road. **VRRRM VRRRM!** I love the sound of a revving engine in the morning. But hearing engines rev is not the reason I was here. Nope. I'm a rebel with a cause, a bad cop with a mission, an anti-hero. They call me…Dirty Harold.

I placed my foot on the pavement and the motorcycle stopped, as if it read my thoughts. I turned and saw the blackness of a dirty alley creep onto the sidewalk. I walked inside the abyss, and heard some voices.

"Gimme yer lunch money, kid!"

"No! Please! Leave me be!"

"Haha, as if you can do anything about it!" Punching sounds. Crying. More punching. A few cracks. More crying.

It was time to make my presence known. "Ahem."

The three bullies turned around, and gosh, were they the biggest, most muscular and tattooed bullies you've ever seen! The one in the middle was the biggest, though.

"Who the hell are you?" the left one asked.

"Ya mean ya don't know?" I asked with suaveness that I didn't even know I had. I took a comb, ran it through my hair a few times, then got out a pair of sunglasses. "The name's…" I placed the sunglasses on my face. "…Dirty Harold."

Then they attacked me, and I got out my nunchuks and swung them around. When they hit, the bullies vaporized into powder. The small nerd they were beating up leapt up to me and gave me a hug. "My hero!"

I smiled. "All in a day's work." Then the bullies returned, but they weren't bullies anymore. They were demons. Red skin, black horns, sharp tails, forked tongues, eye-less sockets. They were pretty frickin' scary.

"Dirty Harold!" the hat-wearing one spoke menacingly, with a smile much wider than any human could make. "So the legends are true!"

"The legends of his quest to defend all the nerds, dorks, freaks, and geeks of the world!" the big one added.

"And his magical nunchuks and ninja skills!" the small (though still large by human standards) one finished.

"Yeah, that's right!" I challenged, being ridiculously brave.

The hatted one smiled even wider. "Ah, that's good…Our master was seeking you. And I was getting hungry!"

"Tonight we dine in Hell!" the small one cheered.

"300 references ain't funny anymore, man," the large one said. And then I was whisked into…Hell, I guess. It was red and fiery, so I guess it was Hell.

If I thought those demons were scary, they were nothing compared to the leviathan I now faced. He was fifty stories high, with bulging muscles, fire escaping his eye sockets and nostrils, and a necklace of distorted human skulls.

_**"WHO DARES TO ENTER SATAN'S ABODE WITHOUT PERMISSION?"**_ he asked, lowering his gigantic head to face me.

Okay, now I was scared. "D-d-dirty Harold?"

The beast quirked an eyebrow in confusion for a moment, before grinning menacingly at me. _**"OH YES! YOU'RE THAT GUY WHO RESCUES WIMPY NERDS FROM BULLIES WHILE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A BADASS!"**_

"But I am a badass!" I argued.

_**"OH YEAH? LET'S SEE ABOUT THAT, SHALL WE?"**_ Satan snapped his fingers and…whoa. She was incredibly beautiful, with a breathtaking body and clothing that left nothing to the imagination. My breathing started to quicken when she floated down nearly got in my face. She examined me for a few moments, then turned back to the devil.

"HONEY!" she shrieked, "YOU SAID HE'D BE HOT!" Hey!

He shrugged. _**"WHEN DID I SAY THAT?"**_

"TWO SECONDS AGO…ugh, forget it. He'll have to do." She turned back to me. "Dirty Harold, I am a succubus!"

"Yeah, and…?" Gosh, I hate her even more than that devil now.

"I'm going to-" (A/N: I had to block this out because it's WAY too inappropriate)

"Oh." I looked at her like she was joking, but it quickly became apparent that she wasn't. "Ohhhhhh. AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I ran far, far away.

The succubus watched me recede in the distance, then turned back to the devil. Again. "…WHY WASN'T HE ENTRANCED BY ME?!!!"

_**"HE MUST BE THE CHOSEN ONE,"**_ Satan mused.

"THEN DESTROY HIM!" The succubus foamed at the mouth.

_**"WAIT, WE CAN'T JUST DESTROY HIM! HE'S THE PROTAGONIST OF THIS DREAM, THUS HE MUST SURVIVE UNTIL AT LEAST THE CLIMAX!"**_

"…What do we do then?"

Satan thought for a moment. _**"WELL, WE COULD ALWAYS ASSIGN HIM TASKS TO BUILD CHARACTER. LOTS OF STORIES DO THAT WHEN THEY RUN OUT OF IDEAS."**_

The succubus crossed her arms and scowled. "I still say we should kill him now."

---

_"Dirty Harollllllddddd…"_ A heavenly voice whispered into my ear, a voice that must've belonged to someone who was the ultimate good. _"This is Queen Aaaaaappllllle…"_

"Hello?" I asked, sticking a finger in my ear. Then I was taken aback as a woman materialized in front of me. She looked like a hologram of some ballroom princess, with a white gown and an apple motif.

_"Save me Dirty Harold…save me…"_

"What? But how?" I wanted to help this queen. She was pretty.

She flickered a few times before answering. _"I'm being held captive by Satan and his bitchy succubus girlfriend…The door can only be opened with nine keys, each one guarded in one of the nine layers of Hell…"_

"So this is Dante's Inferno?"

_"I guess so." _Queen Apple shrugged. _"The journey will be perilous. Good luck, Dirty Harold…"_ She then faded from view. Then she came back. _"Oops, forgot one thing. You can't do this alone, Dirty Harold…accept any assistance offered to you on your quest…"_ Then she disappeared for real.

I stood firm, resolve in my face. I couldn't allow this fair queen to be trapped and tortured by Satan! I must save her!

Wait…how do I get to each circle of Hell?

_**"A VERY GOOD QUESTION, DIRTY HAROLD."**_ Satan materialized behind me, greatly spooking me. _**"YES, I CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS. ANYHOO, YOU MUST FIND THE HELLEVATOR TO GO BETWEEN LEVELS. BUT IT IS WELL HIDDEN!"**_ It was then that I noticed Satan was holding something behind his back. _**"IN FACT, YOU MAY NEVER FIND IT! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"**_

I frowned. "Is it behind your back?"

_**"UH…"**_ Satan shifted his four eyes nervously. _**"MAYBE…"**_

Then I displayed my awesome skills by jumping atop the beast and sticking my katana in his shoulder. He let out a great roar in pain, which distracted him long enough for me to step inside the Hellevator.

Once the doors closed, I found myself bathed in relaxing muzak. I smiled as I casually read the buttons on the machine.

Level 1: Limbo. Home of atheists.

Level 2: Stormy Island. Home of the lustful.

Level 3: Garbage Dump. Home of the gluttonous.

Level 4: Rocky Plains. Home of the greedy and the wasteful.

Level 5: Styx. Home of the wrathful and the slothful.

Level 6: Pyramid of Flames. Home of heretics.

Level 7: The Terrible Trifecta. Home of the violent.

Level 8: The Even More Terrible Ten. Home of the fraudulent.

Level 9: The Core. Home of traitors.

Level 10: Satan's Lair. You are here.

Well, might as well start with the first floor then.

---

**Ding!** The doors opened to a vast, peaceful forest. Wait…THIS is part of Hell? It looked so…nice.

"BEGONE, FOUL BEASTS!"

Okay, maybe it's not so peaceful...

Then I saw a tree rustling, then one next to it, then the one next to it, and so on and so forth. The trees that were rustling were approaching me fast!

"Have you seen a legendary warrior around here?!" came the voice of a demon.

"Yea…I!" Wow, there's a legendary…excuse me, ANOTHER legendary warrior in there? I've got to help him!

"Hold on, dude!" I yelled, heading into the forest. "I'll help you beat those demons!" A few trees later and I saw those three demons I encountered earlier, plus some blur that was attacking them. He looked like he had them covered, but just in case I started swinging my nunchuks.

"There he is!" the small demon cried, pointing at me.

"That's right." I smirked. The demons charged at me, and I of course owned them with my awesome ninja skills. They vanished in smoke, and afterwards I got a good look at the other warrior.

He was tall, strapping, and was wearing a suit of armor made of wood. His long brown hair blew in the breeze, despite there being no wind at the moment. In his right hand he held a sword made of leaves (uh…yeah…) He also had a silhouette of a leaf on his helmet.

"I thanketh thee for the assistance," he greeted, giving me a bow, "But I dost not needed it, as I had the situation under control."

I smiled, and gave him a bow of my own. "Nothing for a fellow warrior…eth. Name's Dirty Harold."

The warrior's eyebrows jumped up. "Ah…I have heard of many of thy endeavors. Thou art very famous in Hell. Oh, and thou may calleth me…Sir Ezekiel of the Leaves."

* * *

Author's Note: Interesting dream, huh? That's what happens when you get heart palpitations, then eat a turkey dinner, then stay up for nearly 24 hours. And Harold studied Dante's Inferno in high school before joining the show in this story.

In case you haven't noticed, most of the people Harold meets in this dream are actually other campers. There'll be more later.

Small Demon=Tyler

Hatted Demon=Geoff

Big Demon=DJ

Satan=Duncan

Succubus=Courtney

Queen Apple=LeShawna

Sir Ezekiel of the Leaves=Ezekiel (duh)

Here's hoping for more reviews!


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